ScotishrumBoy hit Vegas

[ScotishrumBoy]

Finally plucked up the courage to write this one.

I had an early start, 6am to get out of ma scratcher. Myself and ma wee brother Wazza had some cornflakes and cracked open a nice 1.75l bottle of vodka. 3 shots for the road and we were in the cab, we picked up wee Wazza's mate Cooper along the way. Cooper had been out on the booze the night before and was looking worse for wear, we made sure he tucked into the vodka along the way, I thought the poor fella was going to puke at one stage! At the airport it was straight to the local boozer. I kicked things off with a round of jager bombs and then we settled in to a few pints of Stella. Sure and behold, I was pissed as a fart, wearing a big red face and a silly smile as I navigated security. On the flight as soon as the wheels had left the ground, ma hand was up asking for a round of JD and cokes, the poor hostess didn't take too kindly to ma Scotish charm but she kept the drinks flowing. At this stage poor Cooper was passed out and I gave young Wazza a right earful for bringing along such a lightweight, come to think of it I may have gone a wee bit too far as the hostess tried to quiet me down a number of times. I blacked out and next thing I remember is being in the bar at Newark airport, Cooper and young Wazza were nowhere to be seen. I do remember running to get ma Vegas flight and some lady in a Jesus T-shirt helping me find ma gate. I just made the flight but no Cooper or young Wazza to be found, well feck it, its every man for himself and off to Vegas I went.

I was sitting next to a wee blond girl who looked like Pamela Lee in the 90's, well I was as pissed as Les Battersby so I put ma Scotish charm to good work. Communication was an issue but she seemed to enjoy our chat since she was giggling away. I got a result and had her number stored in ma new Galaxy Note. McCarren was well impressive, much better than that generic Newark shite, it really captured the feel of the city, I like that so I do, a bit of culture, even if the culture is the ultimate homage to soulless capitalism. With slot machines ringing in ma ears I stepped out to tha heat, this Glasgow lad was not accustomed to such temperatures but it got ma blood rushin, Vegas I'm here!

The cab driver was a right chatty bugger but it was alright since he let me tuck into ma big bottle of duty free in the back. He offered to take me to some Asian massage place and some other illicit substances, at that moment the mood wasn't striking me but I got ma second number of the day, result, even if it was from an auld pervert. The check in Line at PH was long, I had enough of "checking in" so I wandered off to the casino with ma bag in tow. I found a blackjack table with a dealer who was the finest looking Spanish girl I've seen since ma trip to a strip club in Magaluf in 97. She loved ma chat, I loved her boobs and the free drink on offer. Some young Chinese guy next to me really wanted to be ma friend, well we must have had 30 drinks between us and I lost track of time. Next thing I know I'm in some sort of Pyramid structure, no luggage in sight, well I decided to make the most of the night. I made ma way to the local nightclub, which was half empty and most of the clientele were black people dressed in a strange manner. I resolved to drink Tequila at the bar. That's the last thing I remember from the night.

I woke up to tha viber ringtone blaring followed by a slightly agitated American accent "could you get that?"

To be continued........

[ScotishrumBoy]

Well my delight at being awoken by a fine young Yankee filly was quickly sobered by a flustered Wazza on the phone. The daft buggers were still in Newark Airport! Anyway his chat was givin me a hangover so I told him I'd call him back. Tha first order of business was trying to go a second round with ma new American lass, however I was emphatically rebuked. Shame as she had blonde hair, a cute face, a great rack and an arse like a Cuban stripper, we'll not mention her belly though! Even though I had lost all of ma clothes and both of ma mates I had the essentials; ma passport, ma wallet and ma phone, which had 43 missed calls. 90% were from young Wazza however that Pamela Lee bird had rang, that got ma attention. I made ma excuses ducked out of the bird's room and called Pamela in tha lift, she wanted me at a pool party called Marquee. I rushed to the store bought some shorts, a T-shirt and a naggin of Vodka. I changed, knocked ma vodka and ditched ma jeans and shirt in the jacks and made it fast as a deer to Tha Cosmo. I had found a bag of white stuff in ma jeans pocket and I sniffed half of it along tha way, I was buzzin like a bumble bee by tha time I made it to Marquee.

Inside, this pasty Scotsman, who is allergic to tha gym and fond of burgers and beer, stood out something special. Hence it didn't take long for Pamela ta find me and I was shocked when I met her group, all lasses and each one finer than the last. I bought a round of Jager bombs and cocktails, told ma story about arriving and all of a sudden I was the toast of tha town, I was lovin this Vegas shite. As the day progressed I was making more and more of a nuisance of maself, sloppy drunkeness and wandering hands led to the group getting increasing weary of ma antics. After I tried to kiss Pamela's Chinese mate I was not so politely asked to leave. I finished ma bag of white stuff outside Marquee and was promptly ejected from tha Casino. I needed to keep the party going so I called ma taxi driver mate, he ferried me to a duty free where a bottle of Jack was acquired, he filled my pocket with some more white stuff and dropped me off at one of Vegas' finest massage joints.

I was greeted by an old lady who looked like Jackie Chan. Her hair was pulled back tight and her face had the hardened scowl of a woman who's been in the industry for about 20 years too long. My massage was brutal, she had the hand strength of a seasoned mountaineer and she wasn't afraid to exercise it on my weary, dumpy body. I would classify the ending as sad, I'll leave it at that. I needed a bump to cheer me up before I went to play the evening Aria poker tournament. I plodded through the first few rounds of the poker tourny as the Heineken flowed, I even managed to squeeze in a nondescript sandwhich, ma first food since landing nearly 24 hours ago. However ma stack dwindled and and I was soon knocked out.

Ma stomach was still rumblin, so I went to the Monte Carlo (after buying some jeans and a shirt) and had some Mexican food and 3 Coronas in the food court. Next stop was the MGM for some cash game poker. I sat down and they still did not have ma chips ready, however they dealt me cards, I immediately woke up with AK of Diamonds. I 3 bet from middle position and got 3 callers, including the original raiser. The flop came 10Jrag with two diamonds to I c bet and got two calls. I made my straight on the turn and strung along the original raiser and one more through two more bets down the next two streets. My $200 was up to nearly $600 and I hadn't even got ma chips. I stayed about even as I drank for the next two hours before I woke up to a raise on the button with QQ. I 3 bet and noted the raisers deep stack as he called me. Flop came 10QA, we got it all in on the flop and he told me he had kings, he filled up with a J on the turn before I rivered a flush to take the $1200+ pot. My heart was pounding and ma hand was shaking as I raked in the money. I had a few more drinks, tipped all round and got a taxi straight to tha Rhino.

I was not impressed with the interior of Spearmint Rhino, it seemed dingy so it did. I was first approached by a tall, attractive Eastern European stripper, the sort you would find in your local Glasgow haunts, I was after something more exotic but she was persistent and I relented. We had to queue to go to a back room and that made for some mighty awkward conversation. She asked ma age, I asked her to guess and she said 38, I'm 33 ya cheeky heur! The dance was mechanical and I was through with her after. I found the Rhino girls to be aggressive and pushy, not ma style. I was getting ready to leave when a gorgeous Jenna Jameson look alike jumped on ma lap. She was feisty and ready to go, we went to tha back and got on like a house on fire. We were smoochin, feeling, drinking champagne and this Scottish lad was havin the time of his life. I got her number and agreed to meet her after her shift was done in Drias. I managed to piss on a bouncers leg by mistake in the jacks and was taken out back, I wasnt going to stick around to find out what was happening so I ran faster than Aiden McGeedy to the closest cab and high tailed it out of there to Drias.

I called her about 20 times as I waited by the slot machines in Bally's, after 2 hours she called me back saying she was inside but she was as drunk as me at this stage, so a rendez vous seemed improbable, especially given the unorganized queue structure, where only attractive people were getting in. I ended up falling asleep by the slot machines. When I was awoken by a member of staff I felt tired, hungover and desolate but I had a mission, I was going to find Cooper and young Wazza......

[ScotishrumBoy]

I made my way to 9 Fine Irishmen in NYNY for a full Irish Breakfast. Washed down with a crisp pint or three of Magners. I got connected to the wifi and saw another 50 or so missed calls from Wazza on viber, the cheap fecker wouldn't pay to make a normal call. I get through to him and he had finally arrived, I told him to come and meet me in the pub in NYNY. He starts into a long story about Cooper and it starts giving me a headache to I tell him to give it a rest and come over. I settle into another Magners when I realise the afternoon Aria tourny is starting, I rush to their poker room and sign up just as its getting going.

Another uneventful Aria tourny saw me buy back in but still with no luck, I love the room there, so classy and organised with polite staff, it was my favorite room of the trip but much tougher than the one in the MGM. After I crashed out I managed to get wifi again and I rang young Wazza, himself and Cooper were still in the Irish bar so I told them to meet me at Diablo's Cantina in the Monte Carlo for lunch. We finally met and sat down to some decent Mexican food and strong Margaritas. When they launched into some sob story about Cooper getting sick in Newark I let them have it, Cooper was an idiot to go out the night before we left and young Wazza should have known better than to bring along this liability to our Vegas trip, because of Cooper I had to spend two nights in Vegas alone and had missed tonnes of opportunities. Cooper tried to spin a yarn about not drinking that night and being sick for the week before we left, I shut him up by asking why we are just hearing about it now. The lads gave me the room key to PH and off I went for a well deserved nap.

I woke up refreshed to find my bag in the room, nice. I had a shower and changed into my jeans and shirt. the lads had bought a bottle of vodka and cranberry juice and had also managed to swing a room upgrade. Overall I was impressed with the PH room. I tucked into my vodka while I watched sports center, it felt good to have a base for once. Wazza and Cooper came back an hour or so later and Cooper was full of apologies, I decided to let it go and told him it was ok. Cooper had apparently booked us a table in Tao and suggested that we leave now but I wanted to try the poker room in PH first. I played for two hours or so before young Wazza dragged me away, I ended up down about a hundred or so from my buy in and with a bad impression of the PH poker room.

Tao in the Venitian had quite a large queue, even for the bottle service Cooper had booked, the daft lad probably set the whole thing up wrong. Anyway after an hour of queuing, we got in. We ended up in a table out by a pool, which had a gorgeous setting but wasn't the best for getting ladies, it didnt seem exclusive. We made quick work of our bottles while we chatted to some California girls next to us, they were polite but it was going nowhere. After that we headed to a jammed dancefloor downstairs, it was a total sausage fest but Cooper still managed to attach himself to some cute Latina bird. There were no available friends on offer so myself and young Wazza left him to it. After god knows how many tequila shots we stumbled out of the club and I gave my taxi driver mate another call.

He was still up and picked us outside the Venetian. We made our usual off licence and charlie stop offs and I berated to dirty auld fecker about Jackie Chan and her Brock Lesnar hands. The three of us went to some bar on the strip and continued to drink and get merry. Myself and young Wazza picked up two African American ladies, ditched the dirty auld fella and made our way back to the room. God know how long it was since we left but Cooper was still at it with his Latina. I turfed them right out of there, when cooper knocked again asking for his shorts I threw them as far as I could down the hallway, that'll rid them! Once the four of us were alone the birds started talking about money, Wazza freaked out, so I turfed him out of the room as well. I took the more attractive one on the bed while the fatter one watched. I'm going like a steam train with no end in sight when the bird has had a enough, luckily the fat bird is game and shes a much better ride. I finish off, turf them out and go to sleep a happy man.

[ScotishrumBoy]

I woke up the next day fresh as a daisy, I saw the two lads sharing the other double bed and was about to break into a fit of inappropriate homophobic slurs before I thought better. I took the empty bottle of vodka out of the ice bucket and dumped all of the slushy freezing water on top of Cooper. The poor bastard nearly had a heart attack, at one stage I think he was even gasping for air! I quickly pulled on some shorts and a T while he was coming to his senses, shouted "Payback!" and left sharpish.

I had a full day of blackjack planned that day, I started at 11am and was still powering strong when young Wazza found me at about 4:30pm. At that stage I was up $500 and in no mood to join the lads for lunch. I made conversation with some friendly Chinese chap at ma table but it coincided with a bad downswing which saw me sink to $700 in the hole. I was determined to fight back and told the lads to feck off when they asked me for dinner at 9pm. When I got back up to evens I started to pound long islands, I left at 1am up $200 and as drunk a sailor in Dublin. I called the Cooper, who had got an American sim and asked them where they were, someplace called the bank.

I cabbed it to the Bellagio but was denied entry since I was in shorts, young Wazza came out and asked me to go home and change but feck that. I left them to it and I went back to blackjack. I was running even and unsuccessfully scoping out two busty brunettes playing opposite me. Would you believe but out of nowhere Cooper showed up, he told me he had pulled but she had a mate and he needed a wingman. Finally the handsome bastard was good for something! He joined the game while he waited for the girls to come back from the jacks. Of course both of our busty table companions immediately start eyeing up Cooper. I whispered to him that they were "working" and he thanked me for the warning. Anyway we soon went back to PH for breakfast at Earl of Sandwhich. The table banter was bloody awesome, the two girls were blondes from Seattle and probably had 3 brain cells between them. Cooper's bird was better looking and had a cracking set of norks but mine was neigh bad either. After a while the two girls started bickering because Ms. Norks insulted ma birds love of something called disc golf. Ma bird left in a huff and never came back! Cooper and his bird retired to her room in NYNY and I sleeked back to ma room passing a comatose young Wazza clutching a McDonalds bag.

[D7KIK]

Haha what a great read! Feels like I'm there

[UncleBen]

Seeing you use the word "scratcher" in the first line makes me think there might be a few folk who won't have a clue what you're going on about!
I'm reading your report in a Glaswegian accent by the way!

[AusVIP]

"My $200 was up to nearly $600 and I hadn't even got ma chips. I stayed about even as I drank for the next two hours before I woke up to a raise on the button with QQ. I 3 bet and noted the raisers deep stack as he called me. Flop came 10QA, we got it all in on the flop and he told me he had kings, he filled up with a J on the turn before I rivered a flush to take the $1200+ pot. My heart was pounding and ma hand was shaking as I raked in the money. I had a few more drinks, tipped all round and got a taxi straight to tha Rhino."

- are you sure... Neither of you filled up... the jack gave him a straight... If he filled up your flush lost to the full house :/

I love these over embelished TR's

[ScotishrumBoy]

"My $200 was up to nearly $600 and I hadn't even got ma chips. I stayed about even as I drank for the next two hours before I woke up to a raise on the button with QQ. I 3 bet and noted the raisers deep stack as he called me. Flop came 10QA, we got it all in on the flop and he told me he had kings, he filled up with a J on the turn before I rivered a flush to take the $1200+ pot. My heart was pounding and ma hand was shaking as I raked in the money. I had a few more drinks, tipped all round and got a taxi straight to tha Rhino."

- are you sure... Neither of you filled up... the jack gave him a straight... If he filled up your flush lost to the full house :/

I love these over embelished TR's

It filled up his gutshot straight draw, as in there was one card in the middle missing and the jack filled it up. I understand the terminology I used was confusing, given that filling up is often used to refer to a full house, I will be more careful choosing my words next time. However I think it is still clear how the hand played out given a full house was impossible on that board.

[sirdeez]

This report is hilarious and in no way reeks of the "man I'm effing cool" that some do.

[AusVIP]

It filled up his gutshot straight draw, as in there was one card in the middle missing and the jack filled it up. I understand the terminology I used was confusing, given that filling up is often used to refer to a full house, I will be more careful choosing my words next time. However I think it is still clear how the hand played out given a full house was impossible on that board.

thats what I thought...

still liked the trip report...

[UKIan]

Hahah I've been reading this in a 'Rab C Nesbitt (old alcoholic Glaswegian slob - TV programme in the UK ages ago)' accent.
Sounds like you had a hell of a messy time. Got to read the rest of the carnage!

[Danowen49]

Some of the best material I have read in a long time..... Almost a classic - please say there is more.....

[OmarLittle]

Hahaha...best trip report I've read in a while! top man

[JuiceJH]

Hahah I've been reading this in a 'Rab C Nesbitt (old alcoholic Glaswegian slob - TV programme in the UK ages ago)' accent.
Sounds like you had a hell of a messy time. Got to read the rest of the carnage!

I read it in the voice of Willie (the janitor) from the Simpsons.. made it 10x better. Good TR.

[ScotishrumBoy]

Some of the best material I have read in a long time..... Almost a classic - please say there is more.....

Ai, I'd like to apologise for the delay, I could lie and say I've been "super busy" or some shite like that but I just haven't been arsed.

I woke up tha next day and ma debauchery had finally started to take its toll on me, I was liein in ma bed and I couldn't force maself to move, I was severely dehydrated, so much so that every breath felt like a thousand knives cutting tha inside of ma throat. I had cold sweat running all over ma body and what little energy I had was used to lean over the side of ma bed and puke ma guts out repeatedly. The two lads were nowhere to be found at all and it wasn't until Cooper came back that I got ma first taste of water that day, I had no idea what time that was. Afterwards I fell back into a nauseous, hallucinogenic coma state until I woke up circa 9pm. The two boys were getting ready to go somewhere or other and pre gaming was in full effect. Ma ego got the better of me and I forced maself out of bed and ordered Cooper to pour me a stiff vodka. I took a man sized swig but it went down like a rape joke on sky sports, so it was back to bed for me. The boys were worried seeing me in this state and Cooper went to get me some pills from the pharmacy. I necked them and passed out as the lads went clubbing for the night.

I woke up at about 2am with ma stomach rumblin, which I took to be a good sign. I made it straight down to EoS and filled ma belly right up. I must say, its a real treat to have such an eatery on yer doorstep, good fast service and terrific sambo's to boot. I felt restless so I took a stroll through the casino and subsequently on tha strip. I was still feelin a bit under tha weather and I must say, Vegas looked a lot less appealing through my now weary eyes.

When I made it back to ma floor there was an almighty commotion taking place and i knew it was from ma room, I could hear tha music a few doors down, I could tell straight away it was Young Wazza's ipod on blast, given the dated, generic hip hop blaring. I would like to say that I was annoyed but I was in a tizzy, I was hoping tha lads had birds back and if I was lucky I could steal one of them and get a shag. Instead I was greeted by five dudes, ma two mates, two burn out Mexicans and an Irish lad with his ugly, pasty Irish girlfriend. They were inspiring lines up their noses like there was no tomorrow and with the loud music and imminent security knock I made it out of there sharpish.

I was feeling a little better at this stage and decided to throw a few hail marys, first I bombed a text tha way of Miss Pamela Lee, who was probably back in her trendy loft apartment in the tri state area, sleeping smugly so she can look pretty while she facebooks all day at her marketing job tomorrow. Next was ma stripper Jenna, this had a higher probability of success but the better odds were tempered by the $700 she would probably charge me to pump her in missionary, while she starfished with her eyes closed thinking of one direction, only moving to remind me that touching her arse would be another 100, beebs 150. Last was my taxi driver mate, I remember typing "you owe me a free supermodel, you fat old cunt" the lack of a reply made me think he didn't appreciate ma dry wit. Needless to say I struck out and had to settle for another EoS and some boring video poker. I returned to find and empty room, where i resolved to sleep it off and have a better day tomorrow.