"The Las Vegas Nightclub Tourist Manifesto."
Just received a link to this and had to share it, courtesy of http://www.dolpintravels.com/
This list of 27 compiled rules is an objective blueprint of the very basics for the average tourist who wants to actively take part in the Las Vegas, NV nightclub experience. I do not speak for everyone or any specific venue. This list is not to be taken too seriously but does contain some valid tips to ensure a less stressful night whether you're just trying to get in, get laid, impress complete strangers, show off your new art of narcism, or just see what all the hype is about (Note: this does not necessarily apply to people who already have personal hosts. It also only applies from 10pm-6am).
1. Do not EXPECT anything.
2. GET A HOST! Trust me! This of course means you will need to buy a table (price varies) at a high-end nightclub venue. But if you "take care" of said host, his or her "hosting" will go beyond that nightclub...your experience in Vegas will be 10-fold. Think of it as a rock concert: Going to a concert is fun...but having a host is like getting backstage passes to that concert.
3. Las Vegas nightlife is made up of four elements: Money, Women, Party, and Music.
4. Do NOT look at the price of a table as the price of the bottle of alcohol. Look at it as getting a table to party at, all the perks, with a few bottles of alcohol thrown in (refer to #2 and #5).
5. Principia Mathmatica (READ!): The average price of one drink (including tip) from bar $14. The average amount of alcohol in one drink from bar is one ounce. Average ounces of alcohol to get a typical *160 lb. person "drunk"...five. 5 x $14 = $70. The amount of 1-ounce drinks in 750 ml Grey Goose Vodka- 26...26 x $14 = $364. The average price of 750 ml of Grey Goose Vodka in Vegas nightclubs, $450. SO...for an extra $86 you get; A host, a hot waitress, a security guard, mixers, somewhere to Party, and a comfortable safe place to bring random Whores to, which increases your odds of getting laid...PRICELESS! Trust me guys…nobody gets laid from the bar. (* Examples are very conservative for a physically fit and average male, or referring to pussies that can’t Party. Expect to spend more.)
Average number of persons in group- 4 per bottle:
$70 per person x 4 persons = $280 (16 drinks @ bar)
$450/4 = $112.50 (26 drinks @ table)
26 x $14 (cost from bar) =$364
$450-$364= $86
Save $86 = CHEAP IDIOT! (Stay home)
6. FASHION:
LADIES-
a) If you look fat in your tight dress, you are fat in real life; don't wear it.
b) If the nightclub has a theme that night...PARTICIPATE!
c) Nobody gives a shit how much your dress cost.
d) Nobody looks at your shoes. I promise. Also, KEEP YOUR GOD DAMN SHOES ON YOUR FEET AT ALL TIMES! ALL FUCKING TIMES! It doesn’t matter if your feet are gushing blood; you shouldn’t have worn them.
e) Relax on the make-up. Please. Layers of it is not a good look.
f) YOU ARE GOING TO GET SPILLED ON! Accept it!
GUYS-
a) If you don't have a very high minimum table ($10k+) wear a collared shirt (unless theme of night contradicts)
b) Never wear basketball/tennis shoes
c) I shouldn't have to say this in 2014- No shirts with artistic designs or bling crystals (Affliction, Ed Hardy, Christian Audiger, or any shirt that has name of brand visible)
d) No hats unless you have a high minimum or theme night (not even fedoras- it's not 2007)
e) Black shirt + jeans + black dress shoes = tourist. Have some fucking style.
f) Unless you are an actual millionaire… do NOT wear diamonds ANYWHERE on your body. Don't do it!
g) NEVER! NEVER! EVEEEEERRRR! WEAR SUNGLASSES! This is non-negotiable.
7. This is not the time nor city to be a prude or tease. Whore it up ladies! (Just don’t raw-dog)
8. After-hour clubs are a good Vegas experience. Just know what you're getting yourself into.
9. Rhino or CH3 are the ONLY strip clubs to go to (Sapphire as a possible alternative).
10. DO NOT TRUST CAB DRIVERS! They will take you where THEY make money!
11. Don’t text a host with, “Hey! What’s good this weekend?", Unless you’re a present client:
PROPER ETIQUETTE: introduce self and realize that EVERY weekend has something “good” going on. Be more specific (what DJ? Industry Night? Table minimums? Celebrities, if that's your thing, etc.) And a host’s main priorities are tables and hot girls; not guest lists.
12. Do NOT trust random Las Vegas Blvd. VIP card peddlers. Get a promoter that works for that venue.
13. Prostitution is “technically” not legal here (notice ‘technically’ is in quotations).
14. Open your wallet (guys) and if you're horny, open your legs (girls). It's fun and nobody gets hurt. WIN WIN! Don’t let subjective and meaningless morals interfere with your time here. It’s 2014! CARPE NOCTUM!
15. Just because you have a friend that lives in North Las Vegas, slept with a Marquee host, and works at the local Starbucks, doesn’t mean that person can “hook you up” anywhere. There are 2,036,358 people in Clark County (SNRPC)… “The Industry” is a planet all in itself.
16. Don’t go to Yelp.com complaining how crowded and expensive a venue is. It is fucking Las Vegas, Nevada! The Nightlife Mecca of the country…if not the world! You are going to have to spend money, I’m sorry. And yes it’s crowded. Get a god damn table or suck-it-up!
17. The only time, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” is relevant, is in terms of having sexual relations or personal financial freedom/independence from your regular spending habits. It doesn’t mean you can punch someone in the face, be a complete fucking prick, steal, do copious amounts of drugs in a venue, get married to someone you just met, commit rape, or any other felony. Respecting other people and the law means the same thing in Las Vegas, NV as it does in Sheboygan, WI.
18. Learn Nightclub Ethics. Refer to Jackcolton.com for basics.
19.DO NOT argue with or disrespect security. You WILL lose! I swear to the All-Mighty Unicorn! You will lose.
20. DO NOT sit down at a table past 1 A.M. Get the fuck up and Party! You're not at a lounge.
21. This city is very susceptible to TheDirty.com…be cautious.
22. Don't be a serial bottle-rat.
23. Your cocktail waitress is NOT a hooker! Or a stripper. Treat her with respect (along with all employees of the venue you choose, including the photographers!) .
24. Your "beauty" and vagina does NOT entitle you to ANYTHING! With that said...if you consider yourself a 10 in your hometown, right away subtract 2 as soon as you land in Vegas, then subtract another 1-4 depending on the venue/nightclub you are at. If that is too much math for you...subtract another 5. Get over yourself.
25. Cell phone etiquitte: If you are invited to a table and you accept the invitation and proceed to drinking the alcohol…STAY OFF YOUR PHONE! You are invited there to dance, have some drinks, Party, and socialize! It is rude to stay on your phone the whole night. An occasional text may be acceptable.
26. DO NOT! I repeat…DO NOT, "make it rain". You're an idiot.
27. Above all, realize you are still in America where our Constitution, Bill of Rights, and the Federal laws still apply. And appreciate the word “respect”, it goes a long way in this city. But balance that with having fun, Partying, enjoying yourself, creating some Hype, experiencing Vegas Nightlife, and getting laid! Once you get your shit together…welcome to the heart of American nightclub culture -- Las Vegas, NV!
This list of 27 compiled rules is an objective blueprint of the very basics for the average tourist who wants to actively take part in the Las Vegas, NV nightclub experience. I do not speak for everyone or any specific venue. This list is not to be taken too seriously but does contain some valid tips to ensure a less stressful night whether you're just trying to get in, get laid, impress complete strangers, show off your new art of narcism, or just see what all the hype is about (Note: this does not necessarily apply to people who already have personal hosts. It also only applies from 10pm-6am).
1. Do not EXPECT anything.
2. GET A HOST! Trust me! This of course means you will need to buy a table (price varies) at a high-end nightclub venue. But if you "take care" of said host, his or her "hosting" will go beyond that nightclub...your experience in Vegas will be 10-fold. Think of it as a rock concert: Going to a concert is fun...but having a host is like getting backstage passes to that concert.
3. Las Vegas nightlife is made up of four elements: Money, Women, Party, and Music.
4. Do NOT look at the price of a table as the price of the bottle of alcohol. Look at it as getting a table to party at, all the perks, with a few bottles of alcohol thrown in (refer to #2 and #5).
5. Principia Mathmatica (READ!): The average price of one drink (including tip) from bar $14. The average amount of alcohol in one drink from bar is one ounce. Average ounces of alcohol to get a typical *160 lb. person "drunk"...five. 5 x $14 = $70. The amount of 1-ounce drinks in 750 ml Grey Goose Vodka- 26...26 x $14 = $364. The average price of 750 ml of Grey Goose Vodka in Vegas nightclubs, $450. SO...for an extra $86 you get; A host, a hot waitress, a security guard, mixers, somewhere to Party, and a comfortable safe place to bring random Whores to, which increases your odds of getting laid...PRICELESS! Trust me guys…nobody gets laid from the bar. (* Examples are very conservative for a physically fit and average male, or referring to pussies that can’t Party. Expect to spend more.)
Average number of persons in group- 4 per bottle:
$70 per person x 4 persons = $280 (16 drinks @ bar)
$450/4 = $112.50 (26 drinks @ table)
26 x $14 (cost from bar) =$364
$450-$364= $86
Save $86 = CHEAP IDIOT! (Stay home)
6. FASHION:
LADIES-
a) If you look fat in your tight dress, you are fat in real life; don't wear it.
b) If the nightclub has a theme that night...PARTICIPATE!
c) Nobody gives a shit how much your dress cost.
d) Nobody looks at your shoes. I promise. Also, KEEP YOUR GOD DAMN SHOES ON YOUR FEET AT ALL TIMES! ALL FUCKING TIMES! It doesn’t matter if your feet are gushing blood; you shouldn’t have worn them.
e) Relax on the make-up. Please. Layers of it is not a good look.
f) YOU ARE GOING TO GET SPILLED ON! Accept it!
GUYS-
a) If you don't have a very high minimum table ($10k+) wear a collared shirt (unless theme of night contradicts)
b) Never wear basketball/tennis shoes
c) I shouldn't have to say this in 2014- No shirts with artistic designs or bling crystals (Affliction, Ed Hardy, Christian Audiger, or any shirt that has name of brand visible)
d) No hats unless you have a high minimum or theme night (not even fedoras- it's not 2007)
e) Black shirt + jeans + black dress shoes = tourist. Have some fucking style.
f) Unless you are an actual millionaire… do NOT wear diamonds ANYWHERE on your body. Don't do it!
g) NEVER! NEVER! EVEEEEERRRR! WEAR SUNGLASSES! This is non-negotiable.
7. This is not the time nor city to be a prude or tease. Whore it up ladies! (Just don’t raw-dog)
8. After-hour clubs are a good Vegas experience. Just know what you're getting yourself into.
9. Rhino or CH3 are the ONLY strip clubs to go to (Sapphire as a possible alternative).
10. DO NOT TRUST CAB DRIVERS! They will take you where THEY make money!
11. Don’t text a host with, “Hey! What’s good this weekend?", Unless you’re a present client:
PROPER ETIQUETTE: introduce self and realize that EVERY weekend has something “good” going on. Be more specific (what DJ? Industry Night? Table minimums? Celebrities, if that's your thing, etc.) And a host’s main priorities are tables and hot girls; not guest lists.
12. Do NOT trust random Las Vegas Blvd. VIP card peddlers. Get a promoter that works for that venue.
13. Prostitution is “technically” not legal here (notice ‘technically’ is in quotations).
14. Open your wallet (guys) and if you're horny, open your legs (girls). It's fun and nobody gets hurt. WIN WIN! Don’t let subjective and meaningless morals interfere with your time here. It’s 2014! CARPE NOCTUM!
15. Just because you have a friend that lives in North Las Vegas, slept with a Marquee host, and works at the local Starbucks, doesn’t mean that person can “hook you up” anywhere. There are 2,036,358 people in Clark County (SNRPC)… “The Industry” is a planet all in itself.
16. Don’t go to Yelp.com complaining how crowded and expensive a venue is. It is fucking Las Vegas, Nevada! The Nightlife Mecca of the country…if not the world! You are going to have to spend money, I’m sorry. And yes it’s crowded. Get a god damn table or suck-it-up!
17. The only time, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” is relevant, is in terms of having sexual relations or personal financial freedom/independence from your regular spending habits. It doesn’t mean you can punch someone in the face, be a complete fucking prick, steal, do copious amounts of drugs in a venue, get married to someone you just met, commit rape, or any other felony. Respecting other people and the law means the same thing in Las Vegas, NV as it does in Sheboygan, WI.
18. Learn Nightclub Ethics. Refer to Jackcolton.com for basics.
19.DO NOT argue with or disrespect security. You WILL lose! I swear to the All-Mighty Unicorn! You will lose.
20. DO NOT sit down at a table past 1 A.M. Get the fuck up and Party! You're not at a lounge.
21. This city is very susceptible to TheDirty.com…be cautious.
22. Don't be a serial bottle-rat.
23. Your cocktail waitress is NOT a hooker! Or a stripper. Treat her with respect (along with all employees of the venue you choose, including the photographers!) .
24. Your "beauty" and vagina does NOT entitle you to ANYTHING! With that said...if you consider yourself a 10 in your hometown, right away subtract 2 as soon as you land in Vegas, then subtract another 1-4 depending on the venue/nightclub you are at. If that is too much math for you...subtract another 5. Get over yourself.
25. Cell phone etiquitte: If you are invited to a table and you accept the invitation and proceed to drinking the alcohol…STAY OFF YOUR PHONE! You are invited there to dance, have some drinks, Party, and socialize! It is rude to stay on your phone the whole night. An occasional text may be acceptable.
26. DO NOT! I repeat…DO NOT, "make it rain". You're an idiot.
27. Above all, realize you are still in America where our Constitution, Bill of Rights, and the Federal laws still apply. And appreciate the word “respect”, it goes a long way in this city. But balance that with having fun, Partying, enjoying yourself, creating some Hype, experiencing Vegas Nightlife, and getting laid! Once you get your shit together…welcome to the heart of American nightclub culture -- Las Vegas, NV!
Comment