Need Advice! Ladies ONLY PLEASE!

[SDGonzo]

Ok, I'm in serious need of advice from the ladies on a quite serious relationship issue. Let's say "Jane" was raised in a very traditional, conservative, strict, rural, Midwest family. Parents (Dad in particular) were quite strict about going out with friends, curfew, etc. - pretty much disallowed anything "fun" growing up. Dad played quite the hardass and held her under his thumb her whole life. At her Sweet 16 Bday party, she meets "Johnny". Johnny's the BadBoy. Seen it all, done it all. Dyed hair, ripped jeans, Iron Maiden t-shirts, smoked, partied - you get it. Shortly after, Johnny moved away to San Diego, but they kept in touch, and when Johnny returned home they got back together. They began dating seriously, for five years. Over that time, Jane "tamed" the badboy in Johnny. Jane completed everything Johnny had been missing in his life. (Stable family free of divorce, abuse, addictions, abandonment, etc.) After five years, Johnny proposed. This is normally where you cue the "Happily Ever After".

But - Time passes. Grownup responsibilities take over. Kids are born. Jobs, house, all the normal things that come along AFTER the "Happily Ever After" part. Jane realizes....she kinda misses the excitement during the Bad Boy phase of her life. Johnny's confused, 'cause he shoved the Bad Boy deep in the back of the closet to give Jane the life she wanted. But now, Jane is starting to seek out excitement. Still intends to remain faithful to Johnny, but begins surrounding herself with other BadBoys. A lot. Most of whom probably have less than pure, platonic intentions (they are, after all, "Bad Boys"). Johnny's confused - uncomfortable. Has he done something wrong? He's spoiled Jane all these years. Been a faithful husband and father, hard-worker, equal partner, sensitive to Jane's needs. Worked hard to keep the fun and joy in their life. But obviously, Jane is missing something. Johnny has made a decision. Either pull the "Bad Boy" suit back out of the closet, or Jane is gone forever.

Ladies - This is where Johhny needs your help. How can Johnny become the Bad Boy again? How can he recreate that attraction Jane once foudn in him?
Just to eliminate some easy ideas off the bat:
- Johnny currently drives a Kia (stop laughing). Johnny sleeps with a picture of a 2010 Camaro on his pillow and would kill (or at least seriously maim someone) to get one. But Jane handles the budget and says they cannot afford a new car payment.
- Small things like appearance changes (piercing, tatts) dont really appeal to Jane, plus Johnny has a prominent position in a professional firm and must maintain a professional appearance.
- Johnny is very committed to kids and family, and is cautious about taking on extra hobbies that would take away time from them
- Johnny would prefer to do something together with Jane, to show that they can still have fun and excitement together, but Johnny has struck out with his suggestions to Jane. (considering things like kickboxing class, etc.)
- Jane is not the romantic type, although Johnny is, so cliche things like flowers, poetry, etc just dont work on Jane.

- So, Ladies - What advice can you give my friend Johnny? What ideas can you give him to recreate that attraction and re-awaken the Bad Boy? What things have YOU found attractive about Bad Boys?

Desperately Seeking Your Advice,
Johnny's Friend :-)

[Charles~]

Want to talk...but stupid title of post...forbids...grrrr...

[Alisha673]

Personally I don't think you should have to change. I think a marriage is two people making eachother happy not one working his butt off to make the other one happy.

And if she loves you and you guys have a family I don't think she should be hanging out with other men that make you worry, but this is just my opinion.

I think you and your wife should sit down talk things out and tell eachother how you feel and talk about what is going on and how to fix it. You aren't going to get anywhere with out communication.

[KC2Vegas]

Want to talk...but stupid title of post...forbids...grrrr...

+1. All the ladies threads get more attention from guys anyways.

[Jenn]

You can't keep changing who you are to make her happy. Honestly I think you should set your foot down. There is no reason she should have to find happiness by hanging out with other men because you aren't wild enough for her anymore. What if you become this wild guy you think she needs and she decides that's not what she really wanted. It sounds like you guys got married really young and she never got to experience everything. In my opinion though it's extremely selfish for her to go out and be with all these other guys..what are you doing while she's out...watching the kids? What would she do if you went out with other girls and she wasn't invited? I hope you guys are able to work this out. I think you have a lot of communicating that needs to be done. Marriage isn't easy but both of you have to work at it, not just you. Good luck

[Cisco419]

I think you and your wife should sit down talk things out and tell eachother how you feel and talk about what is going on and how to fix it. You aren't going to get anywhere with out communication.

Its not him, it's "Johnny" lol

[SDGonzo]

I think you and your wife should sit down talk things out and tell eachother how you feel and talk about what is going on and how to fix it. You aren't going to get anywhere with out communication.

Its not him, it's "Johnny" lol

Lol, thanks guys. And "Johnny" understands and doesnt mean to exclude the guys, but he prolly can anticipate what they would say. What he really needs to hear now is what the girls think. Communication has been tried, counselling has been tried. "Jane" doesnt think that she's doing anything wrong - that a married woman can be platonic friends with guys if she has no romantic or physical intentions, and that Johnny should trust her to do that. She knows how Johnny feels about these relationships, but her newfound fun is too important to her to give up. Jane is willing to walk on the marriage. Johnny is not - at least not without exhausting every possible effort. So Johnny wants to know how, at this stage of their life, Johnny can resurrect the BadBoy and recapture Jane's heart.

(And Johnny REALLY hates having all his dirty laundry aired to relative strangers, but is feeling rather desperate and most of Johnny's close friends have NO IDEA that there is anything wrong at all)

[NyceGuy]

I know you asked for the Ladies' advice, but I wanted to put my 2 cents in.

I think what makes anyone happy and excited changes as we get older. So Jane may have wanted that adult "happily ever after" life when she was younger, but now that she's had it she may want some little spark of "bad boy" excitement. That's not to say that you're doing anything wrong, but I think that no one person can give their significant other everything they want in life. So it's important that we seek it elsewhere as long as it's within the limits of our morals and vows. Johnny can be close with his significant other but there needs to be a sense of personal space, or else boredom will follow where there is no sense of separate lives.

[Alisha673]

I know you asked for the Ladies' advice, but I wanted to put my 2 cents in.

I think what makes anyone happy and excited changes as we get older. So Jane may have wanted that adult "happily ever after" life when she was younger, but now that she's had it she may want some little spark of "bad boy" excitement. That's not to say that you're doing anything wrong, but I think that no one person can give their significant other everything they want in life. So it's important that we seek it elsewhere as long as it's within the limits of our morals and vows. Johnny can be close with his significant other but there needs to be a sense of personal space, or else boredom will follow where there is no sense of separate lives.

I agree and disagree at the same time. Only because it seems as though he changed his life for her and now that he is changeD she wants what he used to be. You def should be your own person in a relationship!! I believe that 100% but it seems as if they are having problems being close as they are having trouble talking things out and finding a common ground. I def have guy friends and my BF trusts me and doesn't care and Visa vera but he knows them and they are not just people I seeked out to find a thrill.

I think it also makes it hard to give advise as we don't know both sides or either of the people personally in the situation.

And you are right we do change as we get older thus one of the reasons I am not married yet!

[NyceGuy]

I agree and disagree at the same time. Only because it seems as though he changed his life for her and now that he is changeD she wants what he used to be. You def should be your own person in a relationship!! I believe that 100% but it seems as if they are having problems being close as they are having trouble talking things out and finding a common ground. I def have guy friends and my BF trusts me and doesn't care and Visa vera but he knows them and they are not just people I seeked out to find a thrill.

I think it also makes it hard to give advise as we don't know both sides or either of the people personally in the situation.

And you are right we do change as we get older thus one of the reasons I am not married yet!

I agree, but I don't think that Jane doesn't appreciate the change, I believe she does. But it's like a man having a mid-life crisis and buys himself a corvette. It's not that she doesn't fulfill him, it's that he needs to do certain things outside of the relationship. Now Jane hanging out with Bad boy types is a little weird, I have to admit, but maybe although she knows Johnny changed for her, part of her misses what drew her in to begin with. I'm not sure what Johnny would have to do to reignite that tho.

[Alisha673]

I agree, but I don't think that Jane doesn't appreciate the change, I believe she does. But it's like a man having a mid-life crisis and buys himself a corvette. It's not that she doesn't fulfill him, it's that he needs to do certain things outside of the relationship. Now Jane hanging out with Bad boy types is a little weird, I have to admit, but maybe although she knows Johnny changed for her, part of her misses what drew her in to begin with. I'm not sure what Johnny would have to do to reignite that tho.

I think you are 100% correct. She is looking for something she feels she has missing from her life and is yerning for. I am not sure what he would have to do either and I wish I had more advice on that part of it all, but I think if he wants to fight he thru he has to decide if he can trust her or not because I believe not trusting her will just push her away, but I do think she should let him buy the car

[Drew]

She wants to party and a part of her wants to experience other men since she never has before. That's a tough one for Johnny. There's nothing you can do to change her. She'll have to figure it out/grow out of this phase on her own. The best you can do is be is continue be a rockin husband/family man, a great guy and let her have her space to figure stuff out and explore a little. She'll have to weigh the pros and cons of what she's gaining and losing out on and figure out what's best for her by herself. The more you try to force it out of her, the more you'll push her away. Don't let it become something that you're constantly upset with and constanting fighting with her over. That's just a ticket to adios Johnny. Hopefully the choice will be a fullfilled like with Johnny.. but it may not be. But you definately don't want to push her that way prematurely by becoming controlling etc.

[SDGonzo]

I know you asked for the Ladies' advice, but I wanted to put my 2 cents in.

I think what makes anyone happy and excited changes as we get older. So Jane may have wanted that adult "happily ever after" life when she was younger, but now that she's had it she may want some little spark of "bad boy" excitement. That's not to say that you're doing anything wrong, but I think that no one person can give their significant other everything they want in life. So it's important that we seek it elsewhere as long as it's within the limits of our morals and vows. Johnny can be close with his significant other but there needs to be a sense of personal space, or else boredom will follow where there is no sense of separate lives.

I think you nailed iy Nyce what I'm seeking is ideas on HOW to give her that spark of badboy excitement, so that she no longer feels the desire to seek it elsewhere. Cause even if these are just platonic friendships at the moment, lets face it - guys are dogs, and these guys are just waiting for their chance most likely. (FWIW - I married a 7 who recently morphed into an 11)

[Drew]

Btw I'm not advocating that you just do nothing or not fighting for her. You fight for her by continuing to do things together, enjoying eahch others company and by focusing on becoming and growing to be a better man and partner. Starting this thread tells me your on that track. Just be careful not to "change" yourself that really isn't you.

[SDGonzo]

She wants to party and a part of her wants to experience other men since she never has before. That's a tough one for Johnny. There's nothing you can do to change her. She'll have to figure it out/grow out of this phase on her own. The best you can do is be is continue be a rockin husband/family man, a great guy and let her have her space to figure stuff out and explore a little. She'll have to weigh the pros and cons of what she's gaining and losing out on and figure out what's best for her by herself. The more you try to force it out of her, the more you'll push her away. Don't let it become something that you're constantly upset with and constanting fighting with her over. That's just a ticket to adios Johnny. Hopefully the choice will be a fullfilled like with Johnny.. but it may not be. But you definately don't want to push her that way prematurely by becoming controlling etc.

Right on and thanks for understanding Drew. So really the key question for the ladies: What sort of things attract you to the "Bad Boy"? Confidence, obviously, but what else?