The TR to end all TRs

[BritishV]

Btw, this seems like your kind of beer:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/...st/8380412.stm

[wat]

lol, good TR so far! And I see I got a mention.

For the sake of humanity, I do indeed hope you've one-upped me in the remainder of the TR.

[DJ Ran]

Lovin' it so far, especially the Bellagio bathroom line.

[Chappy]

haha great report! Reminds me of my days when I first got to Vegas... Keep it coming!

[dnix]

dont give up!!!!!!!!!!! its not like your in jersey shore.

[BarrelO]

Before I continue, there's one thing I meant to mention. Is there a bigger hack move by a DJ than "Let me hear you make some noise!"? Fuck you. Do something on the turntables that inspires me to make noise, jackass.

Saturday, November 21
In which I interact with my family, brazenly defy Jack Colton, and get told to go away

I greeted my first day as a 28-year-old sometime after 9. My mom calls me a little afterward to wish me a happy birthday. I also get a call later in the day from my younger brother, but it's not about my birthday. He first asks me if I'd be interested in watching him do a 120 star run in Super Mario 64. I respond in the affirmative. He then asks me why The Lion King and other Disney movies never come on TV. I respond that I have no idea.

I need to surf the Web, so I bite the bullet and pay for an hour of access. Once I'm on, the first thing I do is check Facebook to see how the birthday festivities were going. As those of you who are Facebook friends with me know, I asked a bunch of people to post a picture of a cat on my wall for my birthday. Off the top of my head, I don't think anybody from JC complied. Shame on all of you. I then checked the JC forums a little bit. I looked at my Bon Voyage thread and saw everyone exhorting me to get laid. It is at this point that I realize what exactly is at stake. I'm not just fighting for myself. I'm fighting for the AOD and Apollo Creed and the United States of America. Failure is not an option.

But that's in the evening. I still need to figure out what I'm going to do during the day. It's my birthday, so I need to do something special. I already went to Freakin Frog, so that's out of the picture. But I still think it'd be cool to have a nice gastronomic experience. Where can I go on such short notice, though? Then it hit me. That's right, I decided to hit up a buffet. Suck it, haters. I figure Bellagio is my best best since it's closest and is generally regarded as the gold standard.

I think I got there around 11:30, and the line for brunch was quite robust. It moved pretty quickly, though, and I got in after about twenty minutes. When I go up to the counter to pay, they ask me if I'd like the champagne brunch. Damn skippy. Once I got a table, it was on. I gorged myself like a modern-day Lucullus and downed approximately eleventy billion mimosas. The key for me was the shrimp. You all have no idea how much I love shrimp. I'm like George in the jerk store episode of Seinfeld. They also had a lot of smoked seafood, which I guess is fancier than regular seafood. Smoked salmon, smoked trout, smoked scallops, even smoked shrimp. Also worthy of mention was the fact that the California rolls had actual crab meat in them. I tapped out after about an hour of gluttony.

After the buffet, I figure I'll just go back to my room and lapse into a food coma until it's time to go out. First, though, I check out the Strip a bit more. While at the Forum Shops, I discover that the Apple Store has free wifi on its display Macbooks. It's not something you can be on all day, but it's a cool way to check your e-mail or something like that. I get on to check the progress on my Facebook cats. While I'm in the area, I head over to the race and sports book at Caesars to check out the lines for the NFL games. The two that jumped out at me the most were Indy -1 at Baltimore and the Jets +10 at New England. (I also like the Titans, but I'm leaving on Monday.) With the Indy line, I'm essentially just picking them to win. And I don't think the Jets will win, but I think they have a good chance to cover.

When I get back to my room, I decide to turn on college football and veg out for a while. As it turns out, the UVA game was on, so I got to watch them getting their asses kicked live. The blocking in this game was just pathetic. I swear, Clemson was rushing three and still getting pressure on every play. Thank God Al Groh finally got fired. As I'm flipping though the channels, I come across a UFC Unleashed marathon on Spike TV, so I watch a little bit of that for a while. I then hit on VH1 and was fully engrossed by Tough Love. I had never heard of the show before, but I'm a total sucker for all the reality-type crap VH1 shows. My favorite part was when the hsot made the girls go though a speed dating event. The male participants were asked for feedback afteward, and one of them said that it turned him off when one of the girls said that her favorite place to go was Vegas. He thought it betrayed a lack of sophistication. So true.

Time eventually passes, and I head over to the Wynn around 9-ish. While I'm waiting for the clubs to open, I grab an iced mocha at the coffee shop. There turned out to be a hole in my straw, so I ended up with coffee all over my shirt. Hell and damnation. Luckily, it was stain-resistant, so it ended up not being a big deal. At this point, I haven't quite decided which club I want to hit. At 9:30, the line for XS is all the way back to the Wynn. Meanwhile, there's no line at all for Tryst. I decide to come back at ten till, and if there's still no line, I'll go to XS. When I return, a pretty healthy line has formed up, so I hop in. As I'm waiting, any groups with girls are steadily poached by the bouncers, so it's only a matter of time before I'm surrounded by a sea of dudes. It'll be a while before I get in if I just allow nature to take its course, so I decide to play my ace in the hole. I text Patrick Frank and tell him that I'm nyc's friend and that I'm in line. He replies a few minutes later and tells me to come to registration. Not only does he let me right in, he comps my entry. So big ups to nyc for the hookup.

This is probably my last shot at glory, so I need to go all-out. Once I get a feel for the place, I start sizing up targets. I talk a little bit to a girl wearing a bachelorette tiara as a way of getting the ball rolling and overcoming my nervousness. OK, now it's time to strike. Don't think, act. At one point, I see a cougar by herself who looks like she's glancing in my direction. But I start to think that she might be a professional, so I don't bother. One girl I do approach is this one blonde wearing a black dress with a corsage. I went up to her and asked her if her boutonniere symbolized anything. Yeah, I had a brain fart. She didn't know what I was talking about, so I asked her about the flower. She said it didn't represent anything. But she did say something about how her grandfather had died the previous day. She didn't really seem all that down about it. Anyway, things said to be going well. But then one of her friends, who was wearing a white dress, basically told me to buzz off. I didn't hear most of what she said, but the gist of he message was "sorry, better luck next time." Seriously, she literally shook my hand and wished me good luck. When white dress told black dress that she was sending me away, black dress made an exaggerated sad face. Strike one.

As I was walking away, it took a while for the confusion to wear off. But then it hit me:: Damn, that sucked. I usually don't get far enough to get shot down like that. Don't get me wrong, I get shot down plenty. It just usually happens much earlier in the process. And I'm sorry to say that the situation kind of took the wind out of my sails for the rest of the night. I did manage to approach one girl wearing a 21st birthday tiara, who passed me off to her friend. The friend and I conversed for a bit before I guy I'm assuming was her boyfriend came and broke things up. Strike two.

My final attempt involved these two girls who just kind of stood by the bar and weren't dancing or anything. They weren't even dressed up. They were wearing regular jeans and flip-flops. I find this intriguing, so I decide to make a point of hitting them up at some point. Unfortunately, they both received their fair share of male attention, so whenever I was prepared to move in, one or both of them was otherwise occupied. Finally, there was a point where one of them was talking to a guy and the other one was watching. I decide to approach the watcher. I go up and say hi, which receives no response. I decide to assume for the sake of my ego that it's because she didn't hear me and abort the mission. Stike three.

Pretty soon, I make my way to the Palms. Rain is starting to clear out, so there's some carnage on the casino floor. I see a girl sitting at a slot machine while her friend is talking on the phone. I go up to her and say "Long night?" She does not respond to this in any way. On that note, I call it a night.

[Erock]

Damn bro, you struck out alot.

[DJ Ran]

Dude, your TR is awesome. It actually had me laughing out loud. You kinda remind me of me of that old cartoon character "Sleprock". The guy who has nothing but bad luck.

[Drew]

One more night to go. Still some hope!

[NyceGuy]

At least you're actually going up to them. Some guys don't even bother, they just stand in the background staring creepishly. Good stuff man. You're funny as hell in your TR.

[KC2Vegas]

Agree with ncye guy. At least you weren't that creepy guy people watching. Sorry for not posting on facebook I fell asleep way to early that Saturday. I had a cold.

[Guest]

One girl I do approach is this one blonde wearing a black dress with a corsage. I went up to her and asked her if her boutonniere symbolized anything. Yeah, I had a brain fart. She didn't know what I was talking about, so I asked her about the flower. She said it didn't represent anything.

Dannng.. thats the worst way to start a convo. Actually the best strategy is to place yourself in a high female traffic area, and to not give them any attention. From the sound of it you look like you are looking, thats probably the problem..Alright.. how many more strikes left?

[dnix]

LOL.......you should of tried some smaller venues, were peeps are friendlier

most entertaining TR Ive read.

[LovesVegas18888]

this is so funny I love it

[Guest]

LOL.......you should of tried some smaller venues, were peeps are friendlier

most entertaining TR Ive read.

hmm I don't think the hes swing the way of the Krave