AK2Vegas LOOOOOOOOOONG TR

[AK2Vegas]

Author’s note:
I am afraid this TR is a lot longer than I thought it would be when I started it. So if you don’t like long TR’s please don’t read it. A lot of it is pre-TR shit too, if you want just the Vegas trip start at chapter 1. Another of my pet peeves is how some of you guys will post and then leave us hang for a couple of days! So, (pending any technical glitches) here is my whole TR.
If you want the really short version, here it is:
11/12 went to ESPNzone and KA and Tao
11/13 went to Cut and Pure
11/14 went to Mix and Tryst
11/15 went to Zumanity
11/16 left
Also I’d like to thank Cisco419 and Dnix for kinda letting me have free license to just push this out and RJBond for the soundtrack idea (We burn one album for each of our trips so that every time we hear those songs we‘re reminded of our trips. So Thr33 Ringz was our 2008 trip album and David Guetta‘s One Love was this year‘s). Enjoy
Edit (I apologize for the paragraph formatting, I had to copy and past ALOT because of the 10,000 character limit. Also, the italics and bold and shit didn't come across correctly, I'll try to fix it later and get my pics up too. You might have to just get my photobucket account from me...)

[AK2Vegas]

Trip Report 11/12-11/16

Where do I begin, the beginning of course…

Preface 1:
In January 2002 we moved to Las Vegas so I could go to film school. Being in the Western Undergraduate exchange, UNLV was my first and only choice with a film school. The cliff notes version of that trip was that we were too young, too inexperienced, too broke, too everything to make it in a foreign city with two young children. My journeys to the strip were long, long walks from the front of the casinos through the maze deep inside to the human recourses office, where I would submit myself to the horrors that only the unemployed job-seekers can understand. Miles and miles in the sun to be rejected for the last entry level janitorial position or arcade attendant. (Had I known anything about economics back then I wouldn’t have even made the trip. This was four months after 9/11 and the economy was in a shambles).

My mother came down from Washington on a greyhound bus to meet my kid brother halfway from Tucson, who was also coming on a greyhound. I rode the public bus to the bus depot in downtown and proceeded to walk north to meet her. It was 05:00 in the morning and I was in some sketchy territory. I was too young to be there and I remember a red Trans-am rolling up on me suddenly. I knew I was about to get jacked or asked for directions.
Stranger, “Hey!”
Me: “yeah?”
“You want a blowjob?”
Me, shocked and scared at the same time, “umm, no thanks”

I did make it to the greyhound station (it was south, not north) and I met up with my mother and brother later in the day. The next day our things arrived from Alaska via a shipping service. We got the call at about 16:15. It closed at 17:00. We had been living out of our suitcases, my pregnant girlfriend sleeping on the floor, no dishes, no TV, no toys for my kids. I had to get a U-haul and get my things.

I scanned the phonebook for the closest U-haul and discovered it was only a few miles away. I wouldn’t make it on the bus to get the truck and then make it to the freight place. My only hope was to ask them if we could rent if over the phone and take a very expensive cab ride to pick it up. I told the guy my predicament and he told me to be cool.

“This is Enterprise U-haul, we’ll pick you up. But, uh, the driver likes Budweiser, like a six-pack”

This seemed to be a fine trade off for me, so I asked him to meet me down at the Vons at the corner of Tropicana and S. Maryland. We got our stuff at like 16:55 and managed to get it unloaded into our apartment by about 20:00. My mother and brother had to leave in a few days back to Washington and I had the U-haul until 17:00 the next day. So, broke as shit, and knowing I didn’t have a lot of time with my family, I put my mom and brother in the back of a dark U-haul, my baby and my little daughter and my pregnant girlfriend in the cab and we cruised the strip. In a U-haul.

I managed to park it somewhere up near where the Encore is now. As we walked through Caesar’s palace and saw the Fountains at Bellagio I felt totally inadequate. I told my mother I wanted to be sick, filthy, fucking rich. I remember my mother saying I was avaricious, and it’s true, I am a greedy motherfucker. I told her I just wanted to have it all so I could give it to her and treat my family to what I thought they deserved.
It was the only time my mother would get to see Las Vegas; she died two years later.

I reason I’m telling you this is so you have just a little bit more background on me and this horrible, fantastic city. I fell in love with it when it kicked my ass in 2002. And I’m still in love with it.

[AK2Vegas]

Preface 2: (Set to T-Pain’s Thr33 Ringz)
Friday, November 14th 2008
Last year, my (now) wife and I spent our first anniversary there on a total whim. We decided about five days before our anniversary to just up and leave for Las Vegas. And I knew that this time, I would be able to enjoy it much better. I won’t go into too much detail here, just to give you a small TR because it was that trip that enabled me to have the footwork for this trip.

We flew down in the morning on Friday and had prepaid shuttle service (through expedia) directly to the MGM. Painless and quick, I would recommend this to anyone looking to save a few bucks. Roundtrip it was like $12 apiece. We got to the MGM at about 11:00 and couldn’t check in yet. I was dismayed because I didn’t want to walk around with my bags, but was pleasantly surprised to find out that the hotel would hold them for us. We walked over the Tropicana to pick up our Powerpasses and VIP passes (both bought through Expedia). Here I played my first table game, roulette, and bought some cheap sunglasses.

We walked over to the Luxor and Excalibur before getting back to the MGM at about 13:30 to our room. Unfortunately, it faced east towards the airport and Hooters from the 26th floor and I wanted a strip view so I called and complained. After an hour we were moved to the 23rd floor and I got my strip view. What I’ve learned from then is not to worry about the view as you won’t be there much to see it anyway. The best strip views come from better rooms or right on the strip itself.

We walked around, got some beers, did some gambling, and a lot of walking. We had dinner at the MGM buffet, which has turned me off of Vegas buffets for good. The food was ok, but for $70 I could’ve eaten in a better spot.

We went back to the hotel room and got ready for the night. We had those VIP passport passes and we decided to hit the clubs in the MGM. This was before I knew anything about bottle service. Here in Alaska it’s a two drink maximum so it didn’t even occur to me.

The first club we went to was Tabu. It was about 00:30 and there was a line of about twenty people. We got into the back of the line while I watched a few people walk right up to the security host and get ushered in. The guy in front of us asked me in a thick German accent why they got in and the rest of us had to wait. I shrugged my shoulders. I had the passes but I had bought them on the internet and now that I was actually in Vegas it just seemed to good to be true. I didn’t want to walk up to the guy and get turned around and sent back into the line, but I had to know if these passes were shit or not. Finally I summoned up the courage and grabbed my wife and got out of the line.

I handed the guy the passes with $20 sandwiched in between the two passes. For a split second I thought I was busted, that this was too good to be true, and that I was going to be sent back with German dude, but he ushered us in and told me to see the cashier. Wow, I thought this is pretty cool, but here’s the catch, we still have to pay, the cards are only good for getting past the line. Even that though would have been worth it to me at the time. I gave the girl the cards and she smiles and whoosh, we’re in our first Vegas club.

I sauntered up to the bar and was amazed at the light-show-graphic on the granite countertops. I think we got a couple of drinks and a couple of shots and I felt I got slapped in the face with the price. Not flinching, I paid, and we walked around for a little bit. Tabu is a small club but I still think it’s a cool spot. We stayed for about half an hour and then left.

After that we went to Studio 54 and this time I was confident with the passes. There was a small line here too and we walked right past it. I’d never been to a large club before and this club was very big to me. We went upstairs and tried to sit down but the area was a VIP section. I really didn’t get it at the time but I did understand we weren’t allowed to sit there. But space is one thing and vibe is another. It was just too empty for all the space inside and I wasn’t really feeling it. We got some more drinks before we dipped out.

We walked out to NYNY and went to Coyote Ugly. There were about five people waiting this time and we walked right past them. It was dark and certainly had a different feel than Tabu and Studio 54. I had to fight my way to the bar and finally got the guy’s attention. He pointed to the female bartender and I realized he was just the bar back. I tried to get her attention and she ignored me. I really didn’t like this bar (its more of a bar than a club) and we left. Total time in there was maybe ten minutes.

We went downstairs to Rok. This line had maybe thirty people and it seemed like it was really thumping inside. Once again we breezed right through and found ourselves inside the coolest club I’d been in (up until that point). It was really crowded and was playing good music. If you’ve never been there the entire perimeter of the ceiling is a giant video screen that is coordinated to the music. I fought my way to the bar (this was difficult) and ordered two red-headed sluts and two waters. The bartender made one shot and split it into two rocks glasses and with two bottles of water charged me $36. At this point I’d given up on any sort of fair deal from a Vegas nightclub and just took the shafting.

We danced for a long time, until I started getting tired. Remember I’d been up since the day before and got very little sleep on the plane. I don’t remember buying anymore drinks than that (so by this point I’m on my third?) but I must’ve been very tired or just don’t remember buying more because my memory of later that night is fuzzy.

I remember going into the bathroom and being led directly to a stall. I thought it was weird but didn’t question it until I got back and read up on the club and its unisex bathrooms. I’ve also read there is a patio but I didn’t see it that night.

We had a lot of fun at Rok and I don’t remember when we got back to the room. I do remember wishing I had a seat for about forty-five minutes while my wife danced around my tired ass. I eventually had to find some wall to lean on and recover.

[AK2Vegas]

Saturday:
November 15th 2008
We ate breakfast in the Star Lane shops, in a place called Yummy’s Desert (I think. It’s right next to the photo shop. Really good fast breakfast). Then we checked out NYNY and hit the roller coaster with the powerpasses. My wife was so scared she was moaning and panting like she was in heat. It was so funny, the girl behind us gave her a dirty look.

Then we walked all the way down to the Fashion Show Mall and down every nook and cranny I could carry us to. We walked the entire Fashion show where some girl (a Jew. There I said it. I asked her what the writing was on the products and she said it was Hebrew) sold my wife some facial cream. She would’ve sold us the kiosk if we’d stayed there any longer. By the time we got out of the mall it was dark and we walked over to TI to check out the Sirens show. I got one of their Pirate drinks from the little shop there.

Afterwards we crossed over to the Venetian and checked out the Grand Canal Shoppes. It was getting later by now and I knew we wouldn’t have time to get back to our room to change and shower and get to KA which I had bought tickets for, and fit dinner in too. So we ended up eating at Nathans in the Venetian food court.

Next we walked down to the Forum shops and my wife hit up the Playboy store, Victoria’s secret and a few others. By now we had walked a lot and I needed another drink. I hit up the ice cream/booze thing in the middle of the Forum shops and got a sixteen shot something or other (maybe a Long Island?). By now I knew we needed to get back if we were going to make it to KA.

We hustled back to MGM and hurried to our room. We showered and changed and went down to the theater. By this time we were running pretty late. We got to the concession stand and there was a little oriental guy there. It was just the three of us.

“Whachu want? Eh? Something to drink?”
I was already good at this point, but I was an easy sell and I took the bait.
“Sure, whaddu got?”
He looks left and right over his shoulders and then leans into me: “I make you good drink, give you good deal…then you tip eh?”

This I thought was too funny and I gave him the go ahead. He gets one of these huge soda big gulps you’d get from Taco Bell or something and proceeds to pour more alcohol than I got at Caesar’s. I kindly paid the man and we went into the theater.

Thankfully there are really good ushers there because I would’ve never have found our seats. The theater was huge and DARK. We were sitting in the first row of section 203. My regrets that night were threefold:
1. We were late and missed the first five or ten minutes including the preshow.
2. I would have liked to have been a little, little bit closer. 203 row b was good but not great.
3. KA is a linear story with a beginning, middle, and end. I was so fucking drunk I couldn’t tell you anything about the story at all. It was like one amazing acid trip except I wasn’t on acid, I was drunk and it was so much a trip as a blur. (I recommend this show)

This was a fight night (I don’t remember who it was but it was a UFC fight) and the place was a madhouse. There were people everywhere. I bumped into some guys that had just gotten out and somehow I started talking to them. We invited them up to our room to preparty.

We had some Vodka and Bacardi and some of the really special produce that Alaska is known for (we brought it with us) and just had a really chill time for about an hour.

After that we went to PURE at Caesar’s. This time there was a sizable line to get in. I walked right past it, handed the guy our passes plus a $20 and we were ushered right in. He didn’t even take the passes and I still have them.

I have never been to a club that full. It was so packed I had to bear hug my wife so I didn’t lose her in the mass of bodies. We must’ve been there about an hour, but I don’t remember getting a drink there, or maybe I was just still drunk from KA. Either way I was drunk and it was blurful (not a word, but that’s what it was). We danced, but with nowhere to sit, and all the waking, we dipped out early about 01:30.

We went outside and were met with a huge cab line. I was tired and discouraged but knew I wasn’t in any shape to walk back. My quads hurt from dancing and my calves hurt from walking. So we waited in the huge cab line for about twenty minutes and near the front is a guy that is clearly trying to maintain but he’s hurting, bad. He’s swaying back and forth and leaning forward with his hands on his knees for balance.

The cab line is this: the doorman, three chicks, hurting dude, and a small group that I thought was hurting dude’s friends (as I think back on it, his friends probably bailed on him cause he was ruining their party in Vegas). Cab rolls up, doorman reaches the door and opens it-hurting dude starts spewing right into the cobblestone driveway with enough force to have a good sized blast radius-doorman ushers girls (who scamper into the cab like scared rabbits)-guy finishes first volley of vomit-doorman (who’s already been waving the next cab on) begins to whistle at the next cab-it rolls up-guy begins second volley of forceful vomit-doorman opens the door to the cab, the guy stops puking and the doorman hauls him into the cab by the shoulders, yells something at the cabbie and slams the door.

All of this takes place in like a 20-30 second window and was just funnier than shit. There was about 100 people standing there, many with cell phones out filming this poor bastard in his full misery and laughing. And all I could think about was: I’ve been that guy before. Just not in front of a world class hotel, on the Strip, in Las Vegas.

[AK2Vegas]

Sunday: (Set to Ringleader Man by T-Pain)
November 16th 2008
I woke up at nine o’clock, much later than I wanted to, hurting from the night before and afraid that I’ve missed the first round of games. I throw my clothes on and grab my sheet and head down. The smell of cigarettes is like a smack in the face if you’re not used to it and the sports book was caked in smoke. I got into the line and made my bets. Then I got coffee and a breakfast sandwich at the stage deli and watched football.

After my wife had joined me and had eaten, we walked up the east side of the Strip north from MGM. We watched the fountains, used the Powerpass to ride the elevator up the Eiffel Tower, took pictures, watched the fountains again.

It was our anniversary that day and I made reservations at the Top of the World in the Stratosphere. We rode the monorail all the way from MGM to Las Vegas Hilton where we wanted to just find a spot to watch the Sunday night game and eat a quick snack but we walked around and didn’t find anything besides the sports book. So we rode the monorail up to the Sahara to find a spot again, but I was getting impatient because we missed so much of the game and so I gave up.

We took a cab from there to the Stratosphere but I had thought we’d have watched more of the game and hence we showed up earlier than our reservation. I spoke with the Hostess and she got us a table on the inside ring (the restaurant is circular and split into two rings, an inner and an outer, and these rotate once an hour) of the restaurant.

We had our first anniversary at the Top of the World restaurant. I can’t remember what we had but I have to say that I wasn’t impressed with the food. The service was good and I tried my first shot of Crown Royal XR, but I really think that you pay for the view there.

We were pretty tired after this weekend and just went back to the MGM. We ordered room service later that night and stayed in.

Monday we checked out and stowed our bags with the luggage service. Then we walked up to the Hawaiian marketplace and had breakfast and I got a drink. We bummed around Planet Hollywood and the Miracle Mile shops and bought gifts. We met up with our shuttle about 16:00 and rode back to the airport.

This was our first Vacation to Las Vegas and we had a great time.

[AK2Vegas]

Introduction:
(As with any group of people living or working or traveling together there is going to be some drama. This trip was no different. I debated with myself and decided to just give you all of it, the best I can remember. Some of the names* have been changed to protect the innocent.)

So we’d been back from this trip about two months or so and we’re sitting around bullshitting and my friend Paul just busts out with, “lets go to Vegas” and I was like, sure…why not. Kinda serious, kinda joking, I agree that we should repeat our trip from 08. I start asking everyone I know if they want to go to Vegas with us in November. My selling points (mind you, this is to my friends, coworkers, strangers, friends wives, people I meet in stores) are: its winter, we’ll be bored, and its right after PFDs. (Quick side note; thanks to the foresight of our state leaders all earnings from oil are put into an investment account on behalf of the people. Its got over 34 billion in it right now. Every man woman and child that applies gets a check in October. Say what you will about Sarah Palin, but last year she refunded a surplus into the dividend program and everyone got $3,269. So a family of six…you can do the math. This year the dividend was $1,305 which is more the average. Bottom line; I’m telling everyone I know-You’ve got three kids, you can totally afford to go to Vegas in November!)

So about June I stumble upon Jackcolton.com and the Vegas fire totally erupts inside me. There’s other people that love Vegas as much as I do? I got really excited and began talking with all of my friends who were going with us. What clubs, shows, hotel, etc, are we going to do there? We looked at all of the options that we could. I became obsessed with this trip.

People would come into and out of the fold of the Vegas group. At the peak I had 13 people going with us (mental note to self, never plan large scale vacation again, too many variables).

Myself, my wife Ginger, Billy*, and Paul were all in the main group. Billy had his airline miles and wanted to lock in his tickets. He called one of his old girl friends up, Sheila*, and asked if she wanted to go with us, he’d get her ticket with his airline miles. She’s in Seattle and we’re in Anchorage. So now she’s on board. For whatever reason this pisses off Paul (who didn’t want to be the third man out) and he pulls out of the trip.

I got the iPhone 3gs in June for my birthday and two apps really shaped this trip for me. One is the days until app. There are variations for this app and it basically is just a countdown. I started with 142 days until the trip. The second app is Kayak. I’m sure there are better travel apps out there but we were undecided about where to stay and I was just buming around my iPhone and found the Venetian for 164 a night. Immediately after seeing pictures of the room Paul’s back in. Billy falls in love with the sunken living room and wants to lock it up before we lose the price. We agree and booked our rooms in June. Paul and I didn’t even have our airfare yet.

Fast forward to September. Ginger and I, and Billy are all locked in at the Venetian, all on the same flights and everything is a go. One of my best friend in the whole world, Mike*, calls me up out of the blue and asks me if we’re still going. I told him of course, ‘we’re locked.’ He asks me to buy him a plane ticket and book his hotel room for him and he’ll pay me back. My best friend, (his wife left him a few weeks before this, I knew he needed a vacation) I don’t hesitate to get him on the plane. With Alaska Airlines companion certificate it’s only $50 to add someone so I call up Paul and buy both their tickets and they split the price.

Now we’re into October and I’m sick with anticipation. Sheila. the girl from Seattle, calls Billy. She’s found Jesus and is not sure that Las Vegas is the best place for her to be. Way classy. So now Billy’s got a plane ticket from Seattle to Vegas and no one to use it. She knew it was non-refundable too. So now he’s bummed.

A few days before Halloween, Mike calls me up. He wants to know if I can get another ticket as he’s found a girl to go with us. I’m like sure, let me check and our call drops. There’s three seats on the plane, but I can’t book them without her full name and birthday and I can’t seem to get a hold of Mike. I’m calling him, he’s calling me, it’s a mess. I finally get him on the phone, straighten it all out and I tell him clearly, these are non-refundable, you will owe me $850 (he had already paid me for the first ticket and the hotel room) plus the KA ticket that I’m buying so everyone can go, sure he says, he’s a lock.

On a whim Billy texts this girl friend of his that he hooked up with last year and asks her if she wants to go with him. (I do tell both these guys that we’re going to Las Vegas, but I guess their thinking is that one in a bush is better than two in a hand.) He figures that she’ll just say no anyway and lo and behold she says sure.

He shows me the texts and he doesn’t know what he should say to this girl. I take his phone and convince her to come by committing her before she’s even committed. This way in her mind she already thinks that he’s bought her ticket and shit before she’s even said yes. (This wasn’t true yet, but there was no reason to let her know.) So we text back and forth for a while (she thinks I’m Billy), and bam, another one is locked up. So now if we’re keeping score, its four guys and three girls. The only hard part now is that Billy had to change the flight from Sea-Tac to Anchorage and change the name. Poor guy was on the phone for about 90 minutes with the airline and TSA and ended up paying more than if he would’ve just bought a new ticket. At least he didn’t lose his miles from the first leg of the trip.

I’m checking my days until app two or three times a day at this point, I’m checking JC.com two or three times a day from work, reading trip reports and anything else I can cram between jobs, and generally just too excited to think.

For some reason I replicated our dates from last years trip without looking at the calendar. I didn’t realize that Wednesday the 11th is Veterans day and we get it off from work. Shit. On top of that, Thursday is the first night for Thursday night football and Chicago is playing my Niners. Shit. So now I want to change it to fly down Thursday and with Wednesday off it will all work out. Otherwise we’ll have to work Thursday and leave Friday on the redeye after having Wednesday off anyway. I call up everyone and see if they’re down for spending a little more money so we can make this thing epic. Paul’s down, Billy’s down, I’m down, Mike says he’s down for whatever. This is the last communication I get from him.

So now we can opt to spend about $200 more to stay at the Venetian or just get a cheaper hotel somewhere else. This on top of all of the change fees for the flights. Paul can’t/doesn’t want to spend more on ‘just a bed’ and Billy wants to just keep it simple and stay at the Venetian. I want to use a code that Erock put up on this site and stay at the Wynn. Paul prevails and we settle on NYNY.

About a week to go and I can’t get a hold of Mike. I’m trying to get everyone on board for seeing KA, paying for a Limo to and from the airport and just general shit such as who’s house we’re meeting up to go to the airport and other general housekeeping stuff. No word. I ask Paul, Ginger, and some other friends to call him, text him, no response.

Two days out and I’m at another mutual friend’s house picking up some herbs and spices to take with us on the trip. I’m kinda joking about how I haven’t been able to get a hold of Mike in some days and he acts like he’s just spoken with him. Really? He calls him up and does the whole ‘hey there’s somebody that wants to talk to you’ trick and hands me the phone.

It doesn’t really impact you the way it impacted me, but this guy I’ve know for 25 years practically acts like he doesn’t know me. Its Monday and I can tell he’s at a club or a party. I tell him we’re leaving in like 72 hours and that he owes me for the girl’s ticket, both KA tickets, the change in airfare, and NYNY. He tells me he’s got a big job coming up and can’t miss it. I’m beyond myself at this point and I tell him that’s why we’ve been planning this trip for months. And what about all the clubs? (I’d already booked bottle service at all of the clubs and was looking for him to help pull some of the weight on two bottles-both alcoholically and financially). He blows me off. Suffice to say, we’re not speaking anymore. Two girls, three guys now.

Coincidently, a day later, Paul’s cousin Susan* texts him up and asks how‘s it going? Three or four months and out of the blue bam, just a random text. He tells her what we’re up to and she’s emphatic, she wants to go. She can get a flight our of Dallas (where she’s at) to Vegas for like $650. But I’ve got these damn tickets of Mike’s and I want to use them. So we finagle with the airline and I manage to get her out of Dallas to Vegas for $297. And a 17 hour layover in Sea-Tac where they hub. So Paul gets her some rat motel near the airport for the night and we’re all set.

[AK2Vegas]

Chapter 1 Operation Overlord or The Longest Day (Set to David Guetta: Gettin' Over (Featuring Chris Willis)
Wednesday the 11th of November. We woke up early and took our kids to school (I’ve got four now) and came back. Paul had stayed over that night so we wouldn’t have to go get him. We spent the rest of day packing and repacking and making sure that we had all of our shit together. (I read someone’s TR that he stashed his money all over his house and forgot to take it with him. This terrified me and I kept making sure that I had my knot with me, its funny when I look back on it now.)

Susan contacts me and tells me she made it to the motel in Sea-Tac and she’s really scared. It must be a real shit-hole I thought.

My sister in law came over to watch our kids and take us to the airport. Paul, Ginger, Billy, Tyra* (Billy’s friend the one who replaced Shelia), and I all have iPhones and everyone but Tyra has the update to send video texts and she doesn’t have the Heyway app (badass, if you have an iPhone and don’t have this you’re missing out. It sends a message to anyone you have on a friends list and they can respond with their location on Google maps.) So they’re at Billy’s house in Wasilla (near Sarah Palin’s house) and he’s updating her phone. This takes longer that expected (it can take a few hours) and they show up to my house late. We end up leaving to the airport at about midnight to catch a 02:30 flight.

We get to the airport and Paul’s just gung-ho about the whole idea. After we get through security and to our concourse it’s about 00:55. We walk past a Chili’s Too and we debate getting drinks. Our gate is all the way at the end of the concourse and I decide that it would be fun to ‘ride’ the moving sidewalk (I’m joking around here, but this is the only one in the city) and I’m bullshitting on this thing that’s about 130 yards long and fucking around and poof, it pops us out right in front of another bar. Except its 01:03 and it just closed. Fuck.

Not to be dismayed Paul and I walk down to McDonalds next to the Chilis and wait in line. I mention to Paul about the guy with no arms that’s suing Burger King for not cutting his sandwich in half (true story) and I decide to try it. The assistant-shift-crew-leader person tells me that it’s against company policy to cut my sandwich in half, but she can give me a plastic knife. I throw a fake, I can’t believe this shit, only in America, Fucking Lawyers, I’m proclaiming to the rest of the line my predicament and she asks me if I still want the sandwich. No, I only wanted a snack wrap and a medium diet coke. She explains that with a promo its cheaper to get the half-gallon size, but I tell her for my purposes it won’t do but I do get one for Ginger.

We get back to the gate and I give Ginger her half-gallon and her snack wrap and I notice that Billy’s got his arm around Tyra and he’s trying to engage her in small talk. I also notice its not working, she looks really uncomfortable (I remind myself that she’s with four strangers).

Paul and I do the whole, fake gay, I have to go to the bathroom, will you come with me? Just like women do and we go into the bathroom. We take up the urinals and wait for it to clear out and then take adjoining stalls. In unison. Like some synchronized shitters (it’s funny to me). He hands me a couple of R&R shooters under the wall (I didn’t know, but found out later, this is illegal) and proceed to upsize my own drink.

Paul’s got this whole mantra of ‘Wheels-up to wheels-up’ for this party. I’m down. Paul had about an hour and a half nap and I haven’t, but we’re on hour 19+ at this point and we don’t give a fuck.

Now I’m feeling much better and the boarding goes smoothly. I think I pass out pretty quickly after we reaching cruising and I notice Paul’s still drinking. Good for him.

About an hour and forty-five minutes later I wake up and I realize this is it, this is all the sleep I’m getting until Friday. I’m dried out, sore from sitting and I hate, hate, flying like this.

We land in Sea-Tac and proceed to our gate. I just got done sitting in row 26 and the last thing I want to do is repeat that experience. It takes forever to get off the plane that deep in and I want a seat closer to the front. The first thing I do is check in with the gate and move my seat up as far as possible (row 10, it’ll get me off that much sooner in Vegas) and I move Susan up so we’re all in the same row. While I’m doing this Paul’s quickly downing margaritas at Chili’s Too while we wait for Susan to join us. With all six of us sitting at the table exchanging pleasantries I realize that it’s morning and I need my coffee. I also realize we’re being ignored by our waitress.

I go down the hall and get my coffee and I get back and they’re still being ignored. By this time its time to board and I’m so thankful to get the fuck out of there.

Seattle to Vegas is about two and a half hours and we’re drinking and having a good time. It’s about 09:00 and everyone is loud and happy. There is a huge party of like twenty people going for a wedding behind us and there’s just this feeling that this plane is the party plane.

We finally touchdown in Las Vegas at 10:16 local time and I beeline for the first slot I see. I can’t find my lucky dollar (it’s a dollar I found on the side of the road about three months earlier and managed not to spend it) so I burn a regular dollar in the machine. We’re still waiting for Billy and Tyra who were in the back of the plane and now all the girls have to go the bathroom.

I decide to wait and everyone but me goes to the bathroom. The guys are out fashionably (that means quickly) but the girls are nowhere to be seen. We wait. And wait. And wait. Its been ten minutes. Then twelve. Now I’m impatient and I think we lost them. Paul calls his cousin who’s already at baggage claim and she doesn’t have the other two. I call my wife (if I may here diverge and go on a little rant: I’d seen the Verizon commercials and just dismissed it as marketing. I figured that a large metropolis like Vegas would be able to accommodate our iPhones. Boy was I wrong. I think there is only one AT&T tower in the entire city. At one point at the Fashion Show Mall I made and failed 14 times to call Billy. I tell him this and he tells me it took him 28 times to call his mother. I HATE AT&T IT IS THE WORST COVERAGE I’VE HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF USING. Thanks) and she’s still in the bathroom. Exasperated, I tell her to hurry up I want to get down to where Susan is.

[AK2Vegas]

We tram over and none of us can remember our carousel. I think we went through two or three when we find Susan sitting at number five. It’s turned off and there are no bags on it. I see my name on the placard held by the limo driver and I’m so relieved to see him. I ask him how late we are and he just smiles. Great, we’re that late. On the other side of the carousel is the airline guy holding a bunch of bags which it turns out are our bags. Except Susan’s. Her flight from Dallas through Seattle to Vegas and the bag fee meant she kept her bags in the system for almost 20 hours and they didn’t get routed directly to the carousel. Luckily for her they’re at the desk and finally after being at the airport for what seemed like forever we’re being led out by Chris Brown (of Presidential Limousines-Another side note, I‘m horrible with names in my daily life but I guess the adrenaline from the trip made my brain hardwired to remember just about everyone‘s name during this trip, don‘t ask me how I did it).

We get outside and breath the beautiful Las Vegas air and start walking with Chris Brown to the Limo lot. Paul leans over and tells me he’s never seen so many limos parked in one spot before and I second that. Would I be exaggerating if I said 100? After the third row of limos I’m over how many there are and I’m onto, ‘how the fuck far is it’ and right when I’m about to say something I see the only white one in the lot and I just knew we had arrived. I think the picture says it all.
LR Paul, Susan, Me, Ginger, Billy Tyra


Chris asks us if we need to go anywhere and I ask him how late we are. Not too late apparently to go to the liquor store. He takes us to CVS (I think) and we beeline to the back. We’re in a hurry at this point and we get a 1.75 of Stoli, a fifth of Crown, and a fifth of Makers, a pack of diet Pepsi, some cranberry juice, some Hawaiian punch (?), and lastly we almost forgot it, but a couple packs of SF Redbull. Linda, the cashier, rings up our purchase and I.D.s us and totals it out. It was almost a hundred I think and we all pull out our money, maybe six or seven thousand dollars right there on the counter. She looked at our I.D.s and looks back at us and she’s very disapproving now, “boys you can’t pull out that much money here. The locals will eat you up. Please promise me you won’t pull this much money out while you’re down here.” We hadn’t really had a chance to decompress or put anything where it needed to go, fresh out of the airport, but we look at her very sincerely and ‘yes ma’am, thank you ma’am’ and all of us were suppressing our laughter. I guess you had to be there.

We get to NYNY and go to the check in line. No waiting. We’d discussed the merits and faults of trying to sandwich vs. trying to get a room on the same floor. I’d researched it on the internet (thanks again JC.com) but hadn’t found anything on the group sandwich. So I try it and am shot down, pretty harshly too. We did get rooms within a stone’s throw of each other and she ‘upgrades’ them to doubles, but we couldn’t check in until about 13:00 so we checked our bags and proceeded to wander the casino.
Three Amigos
Six people, six different desires, but by now we’re all a little tired (hour 26 I think), a little hungry and starting to get cranky (read bitchy) with one another. Susan is really insistent that we hit the strip and start looking for food. I realize that we need to eat and we hit the food court at the Village Street Eateries. Right across the way is the Zumanity box office and Billy and I get our KA tickets for later that night. So now that we’ve got a full load of grease in us I tell everyone that we’ve got the rooms coming up in a few hours and a few hours after that we’ve got reservations at the ESPNzone for the CHI v SF game.

At this point we wander around the casino a little bit and I’m hit with the bug. I want to hit the tables pretty badly but everyone else is so in awe (and rightly so, they’d never been there) that they are just wandering around. Ginger and I end up losing them on the casino floor but I can’t find a table I like. We start to mosey over to the MGM and we bump into the other four outside on the bridge.

We walk into the MGM right off the bridge and Tyra and Susan get shots with Jello shot chasers at the little bar by the entrance. As soon as I walked into the MGM I’ve got a very comfortable feeling, like I’m home. I tell Ginger to hang out with these guys, I’m finding a table.

I march from there deep into the casino and find myself a craps table. I’m ready. I think. I cash in my first $100 and stare at the chips. I decide to wait just a couple of minutes for the point to be made before I jump in. There is a clean cut Latino man there, early fifties, chomping a huge cigar. His buddy is throwing down $25 dollar chips by the handful while I watch. The pit boss comes up to cigar guy and politely apologizes for the delay. His marker has been met for $60,000, if he would just sign this paper they can begin giving him his chips.

I look down at the twenty red fives I’ve got and fuck it, I’m ready. I start playing the don’t pass while I chat with this middle aged lady to my right. She tells me to play the six and eight, she’s playing 30 on both, because a few years ago she won $30,000 right here doing just that. I don’t know how long I was there but I got decimated pretty fast. I couldn’t get my feet straight on that table. If I went don’t pass, they’d hit the point; if I went pass they’d crap out, I just had terrible luck there. I think I had $20 or $30 left and I was feeling pretty beat up so I walk over to the roulette table.

This is a game I feel a little better about, not because I think its better, but because I’ve won at it before (statistically its worse than craps). So I’m up, then down, then up, slowly clawing my way out of the hole the craps table put me in when I catch Billy and Tyra over near the players club booth. Paul pops up out of nowhere and right when I’m on a small streak playing the outside columns (you have something like a 64% chance of winning one unit, but a 36% chance of losing two, its ok but its still gambling) and I decide to double up to put me just under what I started with and Billy walks up and tells me ’this is going to piss you off’ and bam I’m out $40 again and back down to $30. I look at him with disbelief and get up from the table, tail between my legs (don’t ever talk to your friends when they’re betting, you’ll fuck them up-especially don’t ask them how they’re doing or give them bad news). Turns out the KA tickets that we paid for online before we left are two-for-one for players club members. Fuck. And we’ve got an extra one because of Mike, so really we paid more than the standard price.

So we go back to NYNY and our rooms are done now thank god. We call for the bags to come up and I’d forgotten that we have alcohol from earlier. Game time. We start off on a few drinks and go to Paul’s room where he rolls up a PRN. Everyone that partakes knows you need three things to be successful: stuff, a vessel, and fire. Through all of our careful planning, here we finally are in Vegas and none of us has a fucking lighter. Billy opts to man up and go down and get one from somewhere and he’s back pretty quickly.

After all this its about two or three I think and everyone but me decides to take a nap. WTF? We’re in Vegas, there’s no sleeping!

[AK2Vegas]

Later we go down to ESPNzone where we have, ahem, ‘priority seating’ (some lame gimmick that they use instead of reservations). They will only seat you if you make your ‘request’ 24-72 hours in advance and if you’re whole party is there. So here we are waiting for Susan and Paul to show up while table after table is seated before us. We get behind a crew of ten guys and they get seated right before us. Susan and Paul show up and we finally get seated right next to this group. Turns out one of them lived in Anchorage and went to high school when Paul and I went to school there, small world.

Me and Ginger at ESPNzone
As much as I hated the priority seating, the place is great! We’re right up front next to the big screen and the place is just alive. Bears and Niners fans all over the place. I’d put $25 on my team from the money I had left from the roulette table. I felt sorry for Tyra at this point because she doesn’t watch sports (Susan’s from Dallas [and she’s sporting a Farve Vikings Jersey] and Ginger loves football) and I know how she feels. I can imagine what watching a baseball game (fill in sport you hate here) would be like for me and I know that after 31 hours she’s probably pretty tired. She ends up dipping out after about ten minutes. This visibly frustrates Billy but he doesn’t say anything about it.

The food was good, the wings were really good, Paul got a steak, and Ginger got a Philly. Our server (one name I do forget) was great, but clearly spread too thin and it took to long to get anything. About halfway through the third quarter, we’re up 7-6 and we realize that we’ve got to get ready for out show and then the club later. Not a problem, I figure, I’ll watch it in the room while we pre-party. This was one contingency that we had planned on, to miss the end of the Thursday night game. Oh, except NYNY doesn’t have the NFL channel and Thursday night games are on the NFL channel. Shit. So I’ve got to settle for updates from my iPhone.

We had tickets for the 21:30 show and I’m very certain not to miss the beginning of the show twice, so I’m pushing everyone pretty hard to hurry up. I think they might’ve been getting a little aggravated with me, but they have no idea what they’re in for.

We get there about 7 or 8 minutes before the show starts and I really wanted a drink but the lines were just too damn long. Susan offers to get me a water and I accept. I should’ve stayed thirsty.

She gets back just as the pre-show starts. We’re sitting in section 101, row m, all six seats from center aisle out. If you haven’t seen this show I won’t ruin it for you, just get there early. And if you’re into it, and you can handle it, watch the show like Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan did in Knocked Up, it’d probably be worth it. These seats were amazing and the show was even better than I remember it. This time it made sense too, which just made the show even more exciting. I kept leaning over to Ginger asking her if the show had changed or if I just didn’t remember it. She told me later how she started hallucinating about two-thirds of the way through from lack of sleep and she thought at one point she was dreaming.

It’s about an hour and forty min long and by now my Fiji water is pushing out hard. Really hard. As soon as the actors line up for applause I’m practically running out to the bathroom, my bladder is about to explode. I don’t know why, but the majority of bathrooms down there had these J shaped faucets with no handles on them. There is an attendant there and he does this little jerk off at the base of the neck of the faucet and it turns on. I walk up to the wall and he jerks off about five spouts in quick succession and I thought, I’m not that dirty until I notice three other guys walk up behind me. I’m not a bathroom attendant, WTF do I know?

So we meet in the hallway and we’re discussing how bad ass this show was and Billy looks pretty stressed out. I’m not sure if it was the long hours or the stress of trying to impress Tyra or the overwhelmingness that is Las Vegas, but as we’re walking out he tells me he can’t make it to Tao. It might’ve been just me, but I think he may have been fishing for us to opt out too, especially Tyra. We get out to the casino floor and he’s just a little more forceful this time, he asks Tyra, ‘so do you want to go with them or what?’ I want to call her a little girl, because she’s the youngest of us, at 24, and she’s also about 100 lbs, being generous, but I’m thinking to myself why would this little girl want to go with you up to the room when we’re about to get crazy?

She tells him, ‘no, I don’t want to miss this’ and proceeds to go with us. I’m heading the group to the front entrance to the cab line and I ask him again if he wants to go with us to Tao. And again he declines. He’s aggravated now I can tell, and I kinda jest him a little bit about it. ‘you can make fun of me all you want man, or call me a pussy, I don’t care’ he says. I don’t want to fight with him and assure him I’m not mad, but I’m also not going to miss out on my first bottle service either.

Now in preview to this I had told Larson Legris (thanks JC.com) when I made the reservation that we’re going to be late because we‘re watching Ka. He said he would put it in the notes and that it would be ok.

So at this point its about 23:10 (in case you’re wondering how I know the time it’s not my fantastic memory it’s the time stamp and the fact that we took about 1200 pictures) and I’m a little worried about making good time to the club. We get outside and the cab line is insane (KA did just get out). I hate waiting in lines (+1 Dnix) and Susan thinks we can flag one right on the strip. I realize this is ludicrous but I don’t have any other ideas right now. So as we head out of the main entrance to the west I see a bunch of limos lined up and I ask if they’re available for a quick jaunt down the street, which they are. Ha, no cab lines, we don’t need no stinking cab lines!

This is where the fun really starts. We’re still on a high from watching KA and everything is perfect. That kind of ‘if I could freeze time and stay in this mood for eternity perfect.’ According to the camera it only took about 12 minutes to get to the Venetian but I swear we were in the limo for about 30 minutes. Susan’s looking for the hip-hop station when she hits GNR Sweet Child o Mine and we’re all doing our best air guitar and singing this old song from back in the day at the top of our lungs and taking pictures like we’d never been in a limo at all. I loved it.

Ginger, Tyra, Susan

We pull up to Venetian and Ginger doesn’t realize that you need to wait for the driver to open the door for us, but she opens the passenger side and nearly hits another limo coming up, I swear she was within a half an inch.

We pause quickly for a photo in front of the golden fountain thing in the main lobby of the Venetian and proceed down the hall. I have no idea where we’re supposed to be, but I feel like the crush of time is going to steal my reservation away from me, time is now 23:45. I grab the first waitrell cocktress I see and impatiently ask where Tao is. She points us up the escalators and I’m roaring to get up them. We top the escalator and I’m a little taken aback by what I’m seeing: a mob of people near Tao, and a line of maybe three hundred people wrapped all the away around the lobby.

Paul, Susan, Tyra, Me, Ginger

[AK2Vegas]

(Sexy Bitch: Akon, David Guetta)

part of Tao Line, we skipped it, shit
Now I was naïve when I read everyone’s reports of bottle service on JC.com, but I thought that with a table reservation that the seas would part like I was Moses and the promised land would just open up to me. Not the case. In case you’re reading this and never have gotten bottle service before I’ll give you two tips: be early and be aggressive.

Clearly thinking that no on JC.com has ever had this happen to them and with my crew looking at me like I was supposed to part the red sea, I push my way up to the rope. It takes a good five minutes for me to get the host just to acknowledge me to ignore me again and I see this guy talking to the host on the opposite side of the waiting area from where I’m at. Reluctant to give up my carefully acquired purchase near the rope, but also cognizant that I’m getting the shaft, I give up my position at the rope to talk with security host guy. I tell him I’m on Larson Legris’s list and that immediately pulls up the clipboard. He checks something off then tells me to find Joe back where I was (so many Joes there too).

Irritated, Susan is clearly impatient with me now, I fight my way back over to where I was and manage to get Joe’s attention. He checks his clipboard and takes my ID and credit card and then proceeds to let in a group of about eight people in. This goes on for about five more minutes as Joe disappears into the background. When he finally does reappear I reach over past the rope to tap him on the shoulder to let him know I’m still there and he’s got my credentials. He apologizes for the wait (that’s more like it I think) and he pulls the rope open for us. He introduces us to a beautiful girl named Aisha (I think) and like a football we’re passed from security host to Joe to Aisha. She takes us into an elevator and tells us she’s from Barrow (its on top of the world in Alaska), small world.

From here we’re led past Buddah statues and somewhere deep in the back of the club (?). We get to a small couch behind a rope and she hands us off again to a girl named Jillian. Jillian is our server and she is sooo hot. She shows me the menu and asks what I want. Paul and I drink bourbon and Canadian Whisky and Crown Royal is our standby so I order that. For the ladies I’m ready to order the cheapest vodka on the menu (Grey Goose I think?) but she up-sells me to Belvedere. I think I’m looking at her tits, but its only $25 more than the Goose and just as much as the Crown and Jillian will probably get something out of it, so I agree. We also get some SF Redbull, some water, and some diet coke and cranberry.

Paul and Jillian (hot!)

A few things to point out at this point: from the escalator to sitting down was almost 35-40 minutes, its already 00:15-00:30ish, and the place is just packed. It doesn’t dawn on me that we’re late (we usually start here at home about 00:00) so I just think the place is busier than shit, and aside from the little couch, the table is ridiculously small. A young guy pops up out of the shadows and puts down a bowl of ice, the water and soda and juice. He introduces himself as Tasu and tells me if I need anything to get him. Great guy.

Tyra and Tasu
Jillian appears with our alcohol and makes our drinks. I tried to pursued her that we’re grown men and we can mix them ourselves, but she’s not having any of it. I’m still confused how so many things fit on that little table. A giant tower of a man in a black suit introduces himself to us as Mike and tells us the same thing Tasu just told us, if need anything just let him know.

Drinks in hand, table service is a go, I toast the group and our party (minus Billy) is on liftoff status. I text Erock and Buzzo that I’m here and after a while (Erock I think) texts me back and asks me where I am. I wasn’t lying when I told him I didn’t know. And I didn’t, I was somewhere near the bathrooms, but I still haven’t seen the rest of the club and I have no idea where I’m at. My bad, so I never met up with them.

This place is off the chain. Here we are, five of us sitting in this little clearing while the poor masses are like flies pressed against an invisible glass barrier. They’re staring at us, which was a little weird at first, but to them I’m sure we looked like some sort of zoo exhibit. There were so many of the poor bastards and people were just staring at us. I like to think they were envious. I’ll remember it that way.

After my third or fourth double Crown and diet, I don’t care anymore about them. I’d also given up trying to pour my own drink. It was a lot more fun letting Jillian’s beautiful ass pour the damn thing anyway. The music here was off the chain. Maybe we got lucky, but I’ve never been to a place that played song after song that I liked this much. I’m dancing with all three girls, singularly and as a group just having the time of my life. I’d be with Ginger and I’d look over and see Paul with Tyra and Susan just laid out on the couch and every other combination of us dancing.

Every now and then, some adventurous asshole would be dancing with one of the ladies and I’d check to see that they were ok. As soon as I detected the least bit of annoyance, discomfort, or just cause I felt like it, I’d look over to Mike and they’d just disappear. I loved that guy that night. I remember going to the bathroom and when I got out I see Mike there. I don’t expect him to recognize me from any other lackey at the bar, but we make eye contact and he says follow me. Now this guy could part the Red Sea. He cleared a path all the way back to the sanctuary of our table.

me and Tyra

[AK2Vegas]

It must’ve been 90 degrees in there that night, with us dancing and all of the bodies in there. Many times I’d stop and just take it all in, my hands on my hips, looking around, wondering if my shirt was soaked in sweat or not and then some banging song would come on and one the girls would start dancing again and I would forget about my shirt and my fatigue. I tell Paul that the water is like $8 a piece and we need to order more (for the little bottles too). He doesn’t believe me; ‘what do you mean, they’re not comped? What, you don’t think they’d let us die here of dehydration do you?’ This busts me up so hard, and I tell him, that’s exactly what they’d do, this is Vegas-hell they’d charge us to call an ambulance!

Susan and me getting crunk!

It was very important to me to make sure that we kept an eye on Tyra that night. I had never partied with her before and I was going to be damned if I lost this ‘little girl’ in Las Vegas. She’s gonna probably hate me for saying that, but I think she’s so cute I can’t help it. I’d send Susan or Ginger with her every time she left the table or I’d go with her myself. Finally at some point I decide to take her and Ginger and go explore the club with Paul holding down the table. Tao is pretty big, and I don’t think that I saw the entire space. I am glad we didn’t get stuck in the hallway though.

(David Guetta: I Wanna Go Crazy Featuring Will.I.Am)
I sit down with Paul during one of the breaks of dancing and he tells me its two am. I don’t get it, we’ve got plenty of time I remind him and he tells me ‘no, man, we’ve been drinking since two, its twenty-four hours of drinking!’ I think with the time change it was actually 25 hours but at this point it doesn’t matter. I kept asking everyone that night if they were having fun, as if it was my sole responsibility to entertain them. I know I asked Tyra about fifty times.

Me and Tyra

I don’t know what time it was but at some point Paul and I are sitting down and we look at the table (for the first time all night I realize that the ice bowl is emitting light-cool) and we both stare at the bottle and it’s about 1/3 full. We’ve drained bottles at home many times, but never dancing this much, or with 42 hours of being up, or with 24 hour of pre-partying in us. We both look at each other and we know-this is for our homies that aren’t here (Billy included), this is for JC.com, this is because we’re not wasting a $375 bottle of $25 whisky, we’re not going to let this bottle leave the club unless it’s in us and we summon up and get to some serious drinking.

The girls were on their own with the Belvedere though. I don’t drink vodka, and even though I told myself I’m not going to waste any alcohol while I’m in Vegas, I know my limits. Don’t mix, and don’t experiment here and now. I’ve got to lead us back to the hotel after all.


Mike comes up to us at some point and hands us off to Mack. We didn’t understand if we’d done something wrong, but he says it’s just time for him to go now. We tip him and get to know Mack (Mack was not as good as Mike).

I don’t notice it, but the room has cleared out substantially. Tasu (I think) comes by and begins picking up our table. I’m not ready to leave yet and I tell him this, and he tells me we’re just being moved to another table so they can close this part of the bar down. (If anyone can give me an indication of when they do this I would love to know as our cameras stopped at some point before this).

We get moved to the main room and I feel that we’re near our point. I know that Susan is getting there and I know I am too. Paul and I man up and finish the Crown straight from the bottle and I try to get with the girls. Susan is talking to a lot of guys at this point and I think that’s how we met the Marines. This guy is younger than me and more decorated than a Christmas tree. I thank him for his service to our country by giving him the rest of the Belvedere (maybe a third left) and at this point I’m blurring.

The rest of this part is constructed from pieces of memories from everyone after the fact and I’m not exactly sure of some parts. Susan sees the outside and bolts out the door. Paul is arguing with her trying to convince her to go with us as she wanted to go and we need to keep her with us. So we’re back down the escalator at this point and I’m in front already down and walking to the lobby and I hear a crash behind me because Susan is trying to get away form Paul and they both tumbled down the escalator.

I think I’m trying to get away from these guys at this point but I’m back at the fountain in the main lobby and there’s about eight or nine girls standing/sitting around this thing some with their shoes off waiting for something. So I’m ready to start my game up cause, well I’m twisted and my wife disappeared, and I’m talking with them about something, I can’t remember, and some guy just comes up and hands one of them $200.

Meanwhile Susan and Paul have sort of recovered from the escalator and are attempting to get down the hallway when Susan spots this guy. She tells me later there was something about his belt buckle that she just had to have it. So Susan starts chasing after this guy in the Venetian hallway, Paul’s chasing her and Ginger and Tyra decide to leave them and go to the bathroom. I’m pretty sure at this point I see them and Paul tackled Susan or was just wrestling with her but I heard a loud smack (if you’ve seen that floor you know you wouldn’t want to fall on it, its really smooth, really shiny and really hard).

Susan goes into the bathroom now while Tyra and Ginger are in there. Ginger is leaving as Susan is coming in. Paul is terrified to leave his cousin (rightly so as she’s a liability at this point) and Ginger is trying to tell Paul that he can’t go into the women’s bathroom but he‘s not having it. Ginger leaves to go find me right after I’ve witnessed the $200 incident. Ginger goes back to check on the mess in the bathroom and by now there’s a security guard there to apprehend Paul and pull him out of the bathroom (luckily Paul had the sense to not argue with the guy).

Somehow this drunk mess of people finds our way into a cab. The poor cab driver. Susan hops in the front seat, Tyra is on the left behind the driver, me, Paul and Ginger on both Paul and I. Susan rolls the window down and is trying to hang out of it while Paul is frantically wrestling her back in with one arm. She screaming about how hot it is and how she can’t breath and I think that I’m trying to pretend I’m not even there and that I don’t know these people. I’m not sure why the cabbie didn’t kick us out but he does drop us off at the north entrance of NYNY. I don’t remember who paid him or if we did at all.

At this point Susan is screaming at all of us and Paul’s practically carrying her into the hotel and they‘re both loud and obnoxious. I’m done with these guys at this point and power walk away from them to the elevator. Tyra is with us too as we ascend to the tenth floor. As we get to our room she asks if she can sleep with us as she doesn’t want to sleep in the same room with Billy. (I don’t hear this thought and I wish I would’ve).

We get to the room and I order some room service and we can hear our trip mates crashing down the hallway. Food comes up and in come Billy and Paul. Apparently Paul crashed down Billy’s door but he wasn’t sleeping anyway. Paul’s mowing down the food and we’re going over the night. Turns out he called his brother in Texas and handed the phone to Susan. Then he bolted to our room. Billy’s bummed out (we can tell, probably because he knew he missed out on the party of a lifetime) and soon after he gets up to leave. He asks Tyra if she’s coming and she quietly says no (and I’m thinking, weird, but cool, because I didn’t know she already asked us).

He leaves and Paul just passes out at the foot of our bed. Stone cold. I’m like fuck man c’mon. I push him off the bed and he falls straight to the floor. I manage to get him up and he just glares at the two girls in my bed. I’m thinking he might charge them he looks so angry. He just stands there and I’m pulling his arm trying to get him to move. Finally he leaves and I crawl into bed between Ginger and Tyra. I’m not sure why she’s there because the rooms got two beds but I’m not arguing with her. I’ve been up for almost 45 hours at this point and I’m happy. Really happy. Day one was good.

[AK2Vegas]

Chapter 2 Moving Day and CUT mastery
Friday the 13th
I hear, feel, Tyra leave as much as I don’t see her. I think it’s about eight in the morning but I go back to sleep. When I wake up again its just past ten and I’m on about five hours of sleep but I feel great. Hangovers don’t effect me much anymore, especially if I stick to my game plan of whisky and water. Ginger and I get up get dressed and race to get out of the room before checkout at 11:00. This is a bit trickier than I thought it would be. There’s pants here and socks there and soda and vodka and a million little things that don’t pack quite well. In future trips I’m not switching hotels in the middle of the trip.

I periodically check on Billy & Tyra and Paul & Susan. Paul and Susan are pretty beat up and running behind. Billy and I and the ladies manage to get out at about 11:10 and we go down and check out. I text the others about the new game plan; the four of us are going down to the Venetian and we’ll meet them there.

We take a ride with Luke, from Poland. I tell him we want to go to the Venetian and he pulls out a map. And not a taxi/street map mind you, a map you get in a tourist magazine. I’m not about to be a dick, but I’m also not paying for a $70 cab ride, so I ask him to just take us up Koval and we’ll get there fast enough. Turns out it’s his second day on the job. His name is actually Luktza or something like that and he’s a cool guy, he’s just new. We’re in a 2007 Chevy van that feels like its about to rip itself apart at every red light. He’s got to shift it to neutral at the red lights because the motor mounts are going out. Thing’s got like 190,000 miles on it. I pull out my iPhone so I know which way we’re going and we slide in through the back, through Winnick I think.

We check our bags and go down the hall to the casino. To the right is a small food court and on the right of this is a place called Enzo. For the speed and price it’s a fantastic buy for breakfast. Ginger and I order the standard fare (bacon/sausage, eggs, French toast, potatoes) a couple bottles of water and the most important: coffee. $30 but I’m not going to bitch because there was no wait and it was a huge amount of food. The coffee was so good. The cup says it’s the finest in the world and I have to give it really high marks, I think it was called Illy coffee and it really was some of the best drip coffee I’ve ever had.

By the time we’re done Susan and Paul roll up and they want to eat now too. So we wait for them to finish so we can all check in together. This takes longer than I want it to and Susan takes some of my water. I would never care except that this water is so fucking expensive here. She can feel my annoyance but she needs water (we all do, from the night before) and she gets up and walks to the casino floor. I’m wondering what the fuck she’s doing, she walks over to the slots where an old lady playing and I can only conclude that she knows this lady except she turns around as soon as she reaches the slots and I notice a pink bottle in her hand. She just jacked this lady for her water bottle! She starts drinking the water right out of it. Turns out it wasn’t the lady’s but still, yuck!

So we go to the check in and Paul realizes that his hotel voucher and his other stuff is in his backpack. I scold him for not keeping his vital shit close to his person and we have to wait while the bellhop finds his backpack which he checked in with the rest of his stuff. We wait for about fifteen minutes and everyone is really impatient at this time.

Some quick notes on the Venetian: the smell you read about is really strong and really overpowering. I had hoped that the stuff I’d read about was written by pussies that couldn’t hack but it’s pretty bad. By the time we left I almost couldn’t smell it, it kinda grows on you. If you have nasal or respiratory problems it might actually cause you harm. Like Susan said it smells like old lady poon. I’d also read nightmares about the check-in process. Luckily this one was unfounded. After the sandwich failed at NYNY I felt that it was more important to get rooms close to each other rather than trying to get an upgrade. I’d read that some people were upgraded to the Palazzo and I had a fear that one of us would get upgraded in the Venetian, one the Venezia, and one of us the Palazzo and we’d never see each other. Check in was fast, even though the line was huge, and Melissa put us all on the 11th floor, all facing the pools and all within a door of each other. She also upgraded Paul and Susan’s room to a double. I wish I would’ve thought about it and I would’ve asked for Tyra and Billy to get a double too. Thankfully the rooms were already ready.

We get upstairs and we’re loving the rooms. Three HDTVs (NYNY had one 19 inch color television) one in the living room, one in the bed area and one in the bathroom. His and her sinks, granite countertops, separate shower and tubs, water closet (or can if you prefer) with its own phone, cordless phone in the bed area, a third phone by the desk, fax/copier, and mechanical roman shades (I’m not sure of the Roman designation, I don’t think the Romans had a remote control on theirs). I would warn you that the minibar and snack tray are equipped with weight sensors so unless you want a $9 kit-kat or a $7.50 miller lite don’t even move them. One complaint I read about was how dark the rooms were. I did not find that to be the case though.

part of the view

Susan and Tyra had disappeared by this time while we were fixing up another PRN and she comes into the room (we’re in her and Paul’s room) and she’s in full diva mode now. I’m not sure why she was acting like this but she was really bitchy about why it was taking so long for the bags to come up (we hadn’t called them up yet) and she really wanted to get going. So the rest of us are just trying to enjoy the ambiance of the place and relax and she calls up the bell desk complaining that the bags hadn’t come and they’d been waiting for thirty minutes and generally just being a party pooper. Her and Tyra disappear again and this time Billy goes and comes back and now they need Tyra’s bags so that Tyra and Susan can go to the hot tub (I had the ticket for Tyra’s as we had cabbed together) so I call up our bags. This messes up the PRN because I don’t want to be reeking when the bellhop comes up and I’m not sure whose room he’s going to bring them to.

So I’m waiting with the door kinda cracked open and I hear some commotion going on down the hall and Susan is actually going through her bags in the middle of the hallway, not even waiting for the poor guy to get down to our room. I’m sure he loved that. Right behind him is the other guy with Billy’s and my bags and I can hear them grumbling how it should’ve been one trip (and one tip) except for Susan.

So we get relaxed and unpacked and just generally enjoying ourselves kinda resting up for a while. I tried to take a nap but I couldn’t even close my eyes I was too wired.

the room with translucent granite countertops. and our shit

At about 16:00 or so I’m too antsy and I get up and want to roam and go out for dinner. I’m not sure how this went down, as I haven’t spoken with Billy, Susan, or Tyra as I write this but the gist of it is true. Susan and Tyra had been hanging out all afternoon much to Billy’s dismay. Billy comes in and announces that he and Tyra are not getting along, she asked him to sleep on the couch. (And, no, they’re not going out so you can draw any conclusions you want). Furthermore, Susan has given Tyra a muscle relaxer and she’s passed out. Susan for whatever reason (I think it was financial) doesn’t want to hang with us either. I’m not sure if this was a ruse for the two of them to hang out or what. Waddevathafuck.

So the four of us (and Billy’s grumpy now) head out to just find something to eat. I’m still remembering Paul’s steak from the day before and I want to find a steak. Shouldn’t be that hard.


We wander around the Canal Shoppes and end up in the Palazzo. I see Cut by Wolfgang Puck and I go over to look at the menu. I’m a little sticker shocked by what I see and so are the two gentlemen that walk up behind me. “You can get a side of beef for that much, you know” one of them says.

Paul and Ginger
I’m ready to leave but Paul makes a good analysis; the longer we look the longer we’re not eating. Fuck it, lets eat.

I approach the hostess and she asks us to take a seat in the cocktail lounge while we wait for our table. We order our drinks and Billy and I make a wager on what will happen first, the table or the drinks. No sooner do we order than we’re to be seated. I joke that our drinks will have a hard time finding us, but no sooner are we seated than our drinks are put in front of us. I can say that I hate the décor of the place, it looks like a stainless steel box, but I will give it up they were some of the most comfortable seats I’ve had the pleasure of dining in.

[AK2Vegas]

Luckily we’re there at about 17:00 well before the rush and we get what I will say is the best service I’ve ever had. (Think about it, one of your dining experiences had to be better than every other one, even if just by 1%, and for me, this was it. By 1000%). Peter introduces himself to us and gives us the rundown on the specials. While he’s doing this a stainless steel table is placed off to the side of our table. We’re looking at the menu, which surprisingly is very simple: there’s about 14 choices and 12 of them are steak.

Peter comes back and sets down a huge plate on the stainless steel table. On the plate are three huge slabs of meat three in black cloth and two more in white cloth stacked on top of each other (easily twenty pounds of meat). We all put down the menus while Peter gives us a lesson on the different types of steak the restaurant serves. The black were domestic, from Idaho, Illinois and Nebraska, fed organic corn and derived from the same lineage as the ones in the white, Kobe from Saga Prefecture Japan. He’s showing us the marbling in the meat and the different shades and grains and while he’s talking about this and that the meat is just taken away, almost like it’s theater and was taken like a prop by a stagehand.

The Kobe is $180 for an 8 oz ribeye, a little too much for me, but I did tell a co-worker that I would eat Kobe beef while I was in Vegas. Peter still hasn’t stopped about the different items on the menu and Paul and Billy don’t want to look stupid (but we‘re almost confused at this point) so I take it upon myself to act and ask the first questions: how is bone marrow served? (it’s really strong and it’s usually served on the steak), are those $12 French fries just French fries, with ketchup? (yes, and herbs) and so on.

I end up getting the Kobe Sashimi, Paul gets the Dungeness Crab and Louisiana Shrimp “Louis” cocktail with spicy tomato horseradish, Ginger gets the Butter Lettuce, Avocado, Point Reyes Blue Cheese with Champagne-Herb Vinaigrette and Billy gets Warm Asparagus, with Poached Organic Egg, and Warm Bacon Vinaigrette. (I only point this out for how outrageous the service was, not because I actually remember it-I had to look at the menu again).

I also ask for a cocktail menu and he comes back with a binder (including the wine list). I order a Moscow Mule (lemonade vodka) for Ginger while the rest of us drink our Crowns.

Every time one of us would get up, a body would pop up out of nowhere and refold our napkins and then disappear again. The bussers would contort themselves in the strangest ways to pour our water, extremely careful not to touch anything else on the table and even going so far as to shield us from the water splashing. A man would come out and place the butter ever so gently and even before he was gone, another man would come bearing a small tray of tiny little breads. Each one delicious.

When the appetizers were brought out, they were brought out at once, by four men and a fifth one stood behind Billy waiting for the other to withdrawal. He carefully pulled out a knife and made the smallest, most careful incision into the egg, surgically, then put the knife into a special towel as if it was now polluted and would be destroyed, and then dropped (not poured, that wouldn‘t be quite right) the sauce onto the plate and over the food.

Needless to say, we’re pretty blown away at this point.

Ginger and I split the Porterhouse (Illinois), Billy got the Petit Cut New York (Illinois) and Paul ordered the Rib Eye (Nebraska). When we ordered the sides, I didn’t know we were going to split them but the presentation for dinner was even more ostentatious. Once again, as in theater, the appetizers disappeared (I would say taken away, but it was so fast and done with such precision that it was almost as if they vanished).

Bodies appeared, the stainless steel table reappeared, and I believe this time Peter was there to oversee everything. Each of the entrees was brought out by a separate person, and it took two for our Porterhouse. A cutting board was placed by an assistant and then the meat was brought out on another plate. The assistant handed the cutter his tools and stood off to the side. The cutter carefully laid the meat on the cutting board and cut the meat into two different types: the striploin and the tenderloin, then presented these to us and placed them ever so carefully on our plates. He asked me if I wanted the bone (I had no idea what to do with it, so I declined) and once these pieces were arranged (the tenderloin on one side and the striploin on the other) on each of our plates, another laid down the sauce plate with four or five sauces on it. Then another two or three servers appeared and began to dish up the sides. I had ordered the mashed potatoes (sorry, the Yukon Gold Potato Puree) and it was brought out in a cereal bowl (?) normally what I’d eat by myself, and the man whipped them again and placed a large dollop on my plate and a dollop on each of the other plates. A spoonful of potatoes on each plate, and about the same amount of vegetables. I remember thinking, I hate spending $75 and still being hungry afterwards. Boy was I wrong.

Paul asked Peter again for the cocktail menu and asked him for his recommendation of a good Bourbon. Parker was recommended and for $22 a shot was apparently the best the house had to offer. I tasted it, and it was quite good.

Ginger couldn’t finish hers and so being raised by my grandmother who had lived through the depression, I felt too guilty to leave it lay there, and I ate hers too. Billy couldn’t finish his 10 oz petite (he said his stomach hadn’t worked out and his nerves were not altogether right). They were stuffed; I was swollen. We declined dessert even though Peter brought us out a small (tiny) tray of four little cookies and I tried one, so good.

I got up a few times to use the restroom and I was pleasantly surprised to find that the staff not only moved out of your way, it was as if they were fired should they impede your movements. I liked that.

This was also the largest bill I’d ever seen at a restaurant up to that point (we’d beat it the next day). Overall, quite an experience, sorry I’ve written it in such detail, it was the dining version of what Tao was the night before, perfect.

From there we crossed over to the jewelry store (Bellusso?) and got our pictures taken with the pink ladies. From there we had plans to meet up with Susan for the Sirens show at TI. We showed up about 45 minutes early and got our drink on at the little bar outside Christian Audigier. We went inside and Paul got his first table gaming on. He won a few bucks and we went outside to watch the show. We had a position on the bridge and Susan called me up-she was still pretty bitchy at this point and she tried to get us to move down to where she was at. But she was pretty rude about it so I gave the phone to Paul and let him handle her.

We watched the show and went back to the room afterward. We were supposed to have table service at Pure via Brandon Ring so we got showered and dressed and a little pre-crunk (this was more me as both Billy and Paul had those large skull drinks from TI).

Tyra’s still passed out from whatever she took from Susan and Susan’s decided she’s staying in that night. Whaddevathafuck.

We hop downstairs and get into the cab line. I hate lines and this is no exception. Billy’s still grumpy about Tyra, and I’m pissy from the way Susan treated me and now I’ve got to wait in line. Urg. We get in the cab with the stand-up specialist of the Vegas Strip. He offers us two choices: a serenade or dirty jokes. I choose option two.

This guy’s got a whole routine down and his delivery is rapid.
“You know why a hooker has a better business model than drug dealer?”
“Why?”
“Because she can just wash out her crack and sell it again. And because she can reuse and recycle she’s good for the environment. Which means she can sign up for stimulus money.”
“You know what a 6.9 is?”
“A great thing ruined by a period”
And so on.

He had us going pretty good by the time we got to Caesar’s Palace. Paul almost gets nailed by a guy with a box that says audio cable. I also notice that boxes of equipment are being taken out of doors all over the place but I don’t put two and two together.

We get inside and the line is insane. We’re a little late but not like the night before. I think it was about 23:15 or so. I find the line for bottle service and its crazy too. I can’t even get up to the rope to try and get a hosts attention. I finally succumb to the fact that we’re going to have to stand in line whether I like it or not. I’m talking to people and I learn that the equipment that was being unloaded was for a concert that got out late. We finally get to the rope line after 20 minutes and I get the host’s attention. He looks at his clipboard and doesn’t find my name but tells me they’ll get to me soon. The group next to us, which got there after us asks about their table and after about 5 minutes they’re let in. I’m aggravated now and I ask him about our table. He says I told him we were on the guestlist, why didn’t I just tell him we had a table? (I did).

So I’m lead up to the head suit (this guy is about three people wide) and he doesn’t even give me eye contact, just holds my ID and Ginger’s ID and shoves us through. I wait for Paul and Billy, who are almost left behind and they’re shoved through the same. So we’re left standing there, past the rope, but with no host or anything to guide us in. At this point Billy’s got a bit of attitude and so do I as we waited for about 30 minutes just to get in.

[AK2Vegas]

I decide that if we’re not going to be approached about our table, and the service was already this bad (yeah I’m using Tao as my guage but what else am I supposed to compare it to) then I don’t want to drop five or six hundred here anyway. I guess we’re lucky we didn’t have to pay cover but still. So we walk into Pure and its not the same way I remember it from a year ago. The layout is the same, but its only about 60% full.

We walk around and I admit I was pretty upset at the whole night kinda falling through the cracks. We go out to the patio and order some Crowns and a vodka cran for Ginger and try and get our bearings again. We don’t have the other two girls anyway and all of our moods are a little down at this point. We hang out for about half an hour and then I decide to just bail on Pure. The crowd wasn’t really what I wanted and the service was already fucked for us.

We gather outside at the sports book while Ginger uses the restroom. Paul’s pretty much just going with the flow at this point but Billy’s still stewing and he’s causing me to become upset as well. We walk around the casino for a little bit and now Billy’s done, he bids us good night and goes back. At this point it feels like a veil has been lifted from me and I’m visibly better.

We hit the tables and I dare Paul (who talked a whole bunch of shit before we got here) to just hunker down and put a $100 on red. He does and he wins. I can’t believe it. This guy’s up a couple hundred at this point and after I egg him on again he puts down another $100 and loses. He’s done now, still up, and we leave Caesar’s.

I wanted to walk across the street and check out O’Shea’s. I love shoes, I’m a shoe guy and I always make Ginger wear beautiful stilettos but I’m also a realist and I know how painful they can be so I convinced her to bring these real tiny but comfortable grass mat sandals that can fit in her purse so she slips into those as we walk through the main garden at Caesar’s. (She's holding the shoes in the pic)


O’Shea’s is a trip. It’s like a dive bar/casino. There’s live music in one corner, super cheap tables everywhere, and in the back by the food court is an entire beer pong section. It was like a frat party but on the strip. We go to the back and order some pizza and just take it all in. This isn’t the Friday night I had planned, but I’m having a good time with Paul and Ginger.

We walked through some of the casinos on the way back to the Venetian and I wanted to stop and play at a table in Harrah’s. This is the roulette table from hell. There are three middle aged, super drunk, pretty hot, women arguing about why they can’t bet what they want to bet ($10 minimum, you can’t bet four bucks lady) and on my other side it’s the opposite: young jocks, one wearing a birthday tiara, betting opposite each other, and cussing at each other for not betting in line with the other. The breakdown of decorum at this table is something I haven’t seen in Vegas yet. I’m waiting for the Asian dealer to kick them off the table but for some reason, she’s patient with these people. I was there for about ten or twelve minutes and we got three spins off. I make about $10 and leave. Weird. Actually I would have loved to stay and fuck with these people as I was on point, but Ginger and Paul are waiting for me and it’s 02:30 or so, they’re tired and want to go.

We get back to the hotel and I’m wired for sound now. I could keep going for another three hours but Paul’s done and Ginger doesn’t want me out on the strip alone (and I would’ve gotten into something too) so with that I call Friday a day.

[AK2Vegas]

Chapter 3 (David Guetta: I Gotta Feeling Fmif Remix Edit)
Saturday November 14th Penultimate Trysts

We woke up around 10:00 and the first thing I want is coffee. I debate about going down but I’m too lazy to go down and bring food back, and Ginger’s in the shower and I don’t want to hurry her. So I do the next best thing and order room service. There’s an option for a standard breakfast with half pot of Starbucks for $24 or a full pot for $26 (only choice, full pot). I call up room service and they’re very good; greeting me by name, giving me every option from eggs to meat to toast, and asking if this was service for two.

By the time Ginger comes out of the bathroom the food has come and we sit down at the table for breakfast. (Before we booked the room we had seen the pictures of these rooms and I asked Billy why he thought there were three chairs. One for you, one for your wife, and the third for the prostitute. So the third chair was jokingly referred to as the hooker chair.) I’d had room service before but this was the first time I’d ever had actual HOT room service. I’m impressed.

Paul had texted me earlier about 09:30 to let me know he was awake but we didn’t even think about our suits. I look at the laundry order form and same day service is available from 10:00. It’s about 10:15 now and it’ll be another $25 for express service plus my shoes. I need my suit pressed so I bite the bullet.

I think that Paul and Susan went to the Bellagio for the breakfast buffet. I’m not sure what Tyra and Billy were doing. Ginger and I decide to go down to NYNY so I can cash in my winning ticket from Thursday night and meet up with Paul and Susan down there. I’m not really feeling the walking thing, its about 12:30 and I don’t have any sunglasses with me so we catch the Duece in front of the Mirage. This thing is packed to the gills with people and we end up standing at the base of the staircase. I go to grab one of the rails and it’s slimy with sweat and germs. I end up just balancing in the middle of the bus rather than catch something from this thing.


I cash in my ticket and we go up to the arcade to wait for everyone else to meet us. Billy and Tyra had come down to return something to one of the stores. It seems to take forever for everyone to get up there and by now Ginger has let her nerves get the best of her and she doesn’t want to ride the coaster. Tyra, Billy and Susan don’t want to either (fuckers), so Paul and I, the wheels-up to wheels-up guys, go it alone. Paul decides its worth the extra two cars to wait so we can be in front.

I’m a little excited as we ride up and this guy’s trying to talk to me about how badass this is and I keep telling him to shut up, don’t talk to me, I just want to get to the top without saying anything. He just keeps on going and I keep telling him I can’t talk, just shut up man. We hit the top and the last thing he says is, this is it! As we crest the peak, I’m much better now, just the first drop was the worst for me-and I look over to start talking to mister talk-a-lot and he’s frozen in place. At this point I’m relaxed and I’m talking a whole mess of shit to him and he can’t say anything-it was funny. The picture shows me spitting some shit at him and him glued eyes forward fastened to the coaster.


After this the plan is for the us to go to Fashion Show so the ladies can do a little shopping. We go down to the cab line and realize it’s a five person limit and there‘s six of us. I decide that I need a walk (and I really do, I’ve got a lot of energy built up in me from the coaster) and I’ll be take one for the team and walk myself to the mall. Ginger insists that she should walk with me but I know it’ll just tire her out. So I practically push her into the cab and Susan jumps out and offers to walk with me. (I didn’t realize it now, but I should have, not cool) and while this is going on a very nice lady named Cindy says she’s going there anyway and her company is paying for the cab so we can go with her.

She’s here for an amusement park convention and she lives in the Bahamas. Her and Susan (who has one of those very open personalities and can talk to anyone) just start off about Houston (where she’s from) to Tennessee (where she used to live and Susan had been the week before) to her family and where we’re from and so on.

Our cabs get there at the same time and Ginger pulls me aside and starts chewing me out for abandoning her. She’s visibly upset and at this point the last thing I want to do is get into a fight with my wife in front of these other people but this thing is so out of the blue and so sudden that it leaves me speechless. I hurt her, she pissed me off, the whole thing is shit. She and I leave them in Nordstrom and I plop myself down on the couch outside the store and I’m totally demotivated to do anything at this point (people in a relationship might know how I feel).

I think we sat there for 45 minutes or so trying to get my focus back. At some point Susan and Paul come out and tell me that Susan’s check has arrived at the hotel via Fedex. They’re off to find a Wellsfargo and get this thing cashed.

Our plan for that night is to go to dinner at Mix at the top of THEhotel at Mandalay Bay and after that we’ve got bottle service at Tryst. Besides KA this was the only other thing that I had set in stone for the trip. Our reservation is for 18:30 and I feel we’re cutting it close at this point. Paul and Susan are going to get ready now and go to Wellsfargo dressed up and head to the restaurant directly from there.

Its about 17:00 now and I’m waiting for Tyra and Ginger to get done at Wet Seal. I don’t think that Tyra has a clue about how fine this timeline is but I don’t want to rush her. Billy texted me during the Nordstrom incident that Tyra wasn’t going to go with us (she didn’t want to have Billy pay for her and there was drama there too) and the last thing I want to do is put pressure on her. I’m concerned that the night might start to fall apart. After how fun Tao was with the girls and the fiasco that was Pure I’m mandating to myself that everyone goes, nobody stays. Without everyone this thing won’t work.

I try to get Ginger alone with Tyra to work her into going so I take Billy up to the food court. I hadn’t eaten since room service and I was pretty hungry but didn’t want to get too much so I could eat at Mix. We got some grease on a stick and the shit is so bad I almost get sick from it. Billy’s still unnerved from the whole thing with this girl not working out the way he thought it was supposed to (I think he had it built up in his mind waaay too much) and he can’t even finish his corn dog. This poor guy is out of his comfort zone, has been since the airport, and hasn’t been able to enjoy himself since we got here. I feel bad.

We head back down to the girls and this time I use Ginger to take ***** down to the jeweler so she can get her rings cleaned and I stay behind to work Tyra into going and to hurry her ass up so we’re not late. My friends tell me I’m pretty persuasive, I’m not so sure, but either I am or Billy’s been reading into something that’s not there because she immediately tells me she’s down to go. Good thing too.

We’re done at the mall and as we’re leaving I see the runway pop up. This thing rises up out of the floor and its pretty cool to see and I want to, but we don’t have the time so I rush everyone out. We cross the bridge to the Wynn and from there the bridge to the Palazzo and somewhere between the Palazzo to the Venetian I get us lost in the meeting rooms. These fucking things are huge, large like I can’t wrap my mind around, and it takes no time at all for us to be totally turned around. It seems that its mile after mile of huge carpeted hallways and escalators up and down countless flights of stairs. I end up asking someone for directions and this guy practically has to walk us back down to safety. I never get lost, so this was a cool feeling for me, but not with our timeline. By the time we get back to the room its 17:30-almost 40 minutes since we left the mall-and I wanted us back by 17:00 to make our reservation by 18:30.

Billy comes over a little later and tells me that Tyra isn’t going to make it and she wants us to leave her if we’re going to be late on account of her. Bullshit, this is a deal breaker I think, and begin to call my audibles. I call the concierge and ask him if he can move our reservation at Mix or if he can find us another elevated spot to eat at that’s not the Top of the World. He keeps me on hold for a while and gets me a reservation for 19:30 at Nove at the top of the Palms. He didn’t think we could move our Mix reservation with it being a fight night that night (Pacquiao vs. Cotto) but he didn’t actually check. I decide to give it a shot and they have no problem moving us to 19:30. By this time its about 18:15 and I breath a sigh of relief. Unfortunately this time change does nothing to help Susan and Paul who are already almost there.