#fulliowa

[SuZQ]

It’s been years since I’ve written a trip report. And I debated heavily on writing this one. This trip report is coming with a disclaimer… If you are looking for a trip report where I say “We went through 13 liters of Vodka!” (which has happened… but not on this trip) or “I got on stage with Diplo!” (which has happened also, but not this trip). If you are looking for a massively impressive trip report.. Please show yourself the exit. This trip, my husband wanted to go with me. I think this is an awful idea. You'll figure out why on your own. I don’t want to make him (or myself) look bad, but I have little to no filter, so if I’m going to tell it, I’m going to tell it all. Don't go throwing judgement.

We get in Monday July 4^th, take a presidential car because I HATE shuttles and the cab line at the airport blows. Have the driver stop for beer and water then continue on to the…... Wait for it…….... FLAMINGO! Yeah, told you I wasn’t here to impress you. Check in at the kiosk, which worked fairly well. Make it up to our room with a “strip view”. It was not. But I black out the room right after I walk in and look out the window anyway so it doesn’t matter. My husband is trying to convince me that the mirror in our room is a two way mirror because it’s so thick. Which leads to us pressing against it.. Me proving it is not two way.. Him trying to convince me it is. We walk over to the Mirage, play blackjack and lose. Walk through the LINQ area to eat. End up at the Tilted Kilt which was lack luster. Food was meh.. Waitresses all had decent sized racks but were straight up and down like 10 year old boys.. Do a squat for Christ’s sake.. or eat a damn biscuit. Go back to the hotel and lay down.. I’m pretty much naked, and my husband watched baseball and plays on his phone. Um… okay… He gets up and leaves to go to a poker tournament so I take a nap. Wake up a few hours later and realize, I’m being ditched. So I message some of my Vegas friends for help.

Chuck says he will ask Bobby to walk me into night swim at XS that evening. I’m a little nervous about going solo but figure fuck it.. I’m in Vegas and I’m not wasting it. I get up and get pretty. Go down and make friends with the grave yard bellhop, play some video poker at the Wynn, then text Bobby.. He’s super nice and pretends like he remembers meeting me the year before, I know he doesn’t, but sweet of him to fake it. I get a drink at the bar that almost kills me on contact. I guess if you’re paying that much they make it worth your while. Cut the vodka and the price in half and I’ll come back way more often. Sip on jet fuel, chat with a few people in passing, mostly play on my phone, until one of my friends tells me to get off of it. Go for another drink, bartender says “Do you want a souvenir cup for $45?” Uh… yes… duh.. of course… I like dying. At some point the vodka kicks in.. I go out on the dance floor.. Meet two girls everything is going great. Then we get preyed on by some guys. I bail to go to the bathroom.

Where I meet a girl that’s like…. I don’t know.. easily a foot taller than I am. (Which isn’t hard to do since I’m built like a hobbit.) With bright ass red hair past her ass. She of course is “21!!!!! WHEW!!!!!!!!!” And makes friends with another “21!!!!! Whew!!!!” girl.. I take a few “OMG LETS DO A SNAP!!” with them. Then go to the bar with my new (you girls keep me young) friends. At this point I start to feel the pain in my feet. I see a ledge and I make a bee line for it. Hop my fat ass up onto it and shake hands and introduce myself to a couple guys in the area, who look at me like I’m absolutely insane. I feel an arm come around my waist, and I’'m thinking What. The. Fuck. It’s a girl.. Named Ashley(?) from Vegas… here to see Diplo.. and my ass was invading her table.. SO… She invites me in.. She and I get up and dance on the ledge. Talk about.. I don'’t know because I’m vodka drunk. Then she introduces me to the rest of the table. One of the guys that was taking a video while we danced (I’'m assuming more snapchat) tells me his name.. once again.. Alejandro (maybe??) He’s from Brazil. Pours me a drink or two (pretty sure I spilled it). Then attempts multiple times to kiss me. I keep turning my head and body away. He’s hitting my cheek, neck, shoulder.. It'’s cold and wet. Like a golden retriever’s nose.. except I like dogs.. Alejandro, not so much. He starts getting more and more aggressive so I say I have to go to the bathroom.. and I leave. Because I have to get my own self back and frankly.. shits getting ugly.

I get into a cab. Don’t remember how, I’m sure someone helped me. And start chatting up the cabbie. From what I can remember or I drunk texted. He’s going to community college to be a welder. He gives me his card so I can call him for rides this week.. I’m pretty sure he didn’t give me my change back.. I asked him and he says “"Oh sweet heart! It’s in there.. trust me"” and points at my purse.. I walk in and yell Hello! at my grave yard bellhop. Then talk to a friend that’s been receiving drunk texts and basically wants to make sure I get to the room without dying. I drop the cabbies card outside the elevator.. I remember looking down and thinking.. Nope.. Not picking that up. Get back into the room,… strip down…, lay down…, get up and throw up.. My husband says “Seriously!?!?” I throw up once again for good measure then pass the fuck out. I didn’t take many pictures but here’s some snapchats and some screen shots of my drunk texting.

[AusVIP]

welcome back!

[SuZQ]

welcome back!

Don't call it a come back.. I've been here for years.

[AusVIP]

lol... yeah fair enough...

great trip report so far.. keep it coming...

[SuZQ]

Day two… Mama is feeling ROUGH. I wake up to a bottle of water on my side of the bed that they Hubs must have left out for me. Pop some Ibupherine, some B12 and chug the water. I have about 6? Blisters on my feet.. only like one toe on each foot survived. But I left my shoes on! This is an accomplishment. Probably because I went GA.

We get dressed and head to Ellis Island for breakfast. Cult favorite.. And by cult I mean myself and like.. 2 of my friends. The walk there is not pretty. It’s full of homeless people. My favorite was a oversized lady, in a string bikini, with a ton of arm pit hair, drinking a Pabst at like 9 am. Smash some omeletes, make the man a believer in Ellis. Point out where Tupac got shot. No there isn’t a shrine. No there isn’t a plaque.

Get changed and go down to the pool He buys a bucket of beer that I’m choking down due to my hangover. The pool is dead, its Tuesday, at the Go pool. Pickings are slim. There’s a woman in an extreme one piece v neck. She constantly has a nipple popping out the side. Hubs makes a comment “she would take about…. 17 ½ beers” Thus starts the game of "how much would I have to drink to have sex with"…. We leave the pool after gagging down the beer. I request A french fry. I do not get A french fry. I get pizza.. Drunk food is drunk food, not complaining.. Take the tray to our room and eat it on the bed. Because we are classy like that. Strip down again and take a nap.
Around 3 the maid starts pounding on the door and will not stop. Even after saying “we don’t need service” and “we are napping” She. Just. Keeps. Pounding. I was sleeping really good too.. Naps offically over.. Hubs hits the shower and goes to play poker. I lay around a bit.. Finally shower and get dressed then head down to the casino. I get on the elevator and it stops and picks up this older lady.. She says to me “you going down to make a lot of money?” and I’m thinking to myself… I wonder if she thinks I’m a hooker… Have a chat with her, hoping that she doesn’t. I hang out a bit and gamble and realize that its 8 pm and he’s not going to eat with me. I decide I want tacos.. I decide I have nothing else to do.. I’ll walk to tacos instead of cab.. HUGE MISTAKE. Men are aggressive in Vegas, but walking down the strip was bad.

“Can I help you?” Nope.. I’ve been walking like.. 33 years now, got the process down.
“Are you alone?” - No. “You’re beautiful” – Thank you. “Can I buy you a drink?” - No thank you.
“Hey girl you look good in black!” - uh thanks.

Finally make it to tacos. Hubs says he’s done with poker and will meet me there but he’s not hungry. I eat my tacos and tell him about walking to get them. He says “They probably thought you were a hooker” - Do you buy hookers drinks?? “Gotta get the transaction started somehow.” Point taken.

We get in a cab and head to the Luxor, I win some playing black jack.. He decides he’s hungry so we stop at the food court for him to grab something. I sit down and wait for him. There’s one family in the place.. He sits down and starts eating.. This guy comes up and sits directly behind me. Then scoots back.. several times.. My husband says “what the fuck man?” He continues to crowd my back. There are like 50 open tables. What are you doing?

We have tickets to see Fantasy (thanks myvegas) which is right by the food court. We get seated for the boobie show and the crowder comes in and my husband points him out.. I figure he will just come sit on my lap. The show is decent. There was a stand up comedian that was hilarious. The MC could sing and was funny. The boobie girls.. Well the one with big boobs couldn’t dance for shit and had awful extensions. The flat chested ones had some talent. All I could think was damn, their mom’s spent years on dance and gymnastics for them to do this for a living. I left feeling pretty good about my tits so I call it a win. Show ended around midnight. And I just go to bed after, because I’m old.. And I suck at life.

[Cirilo Medina]

Ellis Island FTW!!!! Loving this

[SuZQ]

Day Three- Wake up feeling good. Eat some breakfast , blow way too much money trying to spin the wheel on wheel of fortune machines. Hubs wants to go to the Rio to see the World Series of Poker. It’s pretty boring, just a lot of vendors harassing you to buy stuff. So we gamble some more..

Leave the Rio because he wants to go downtown (kill me).. Hit up Fremont Street and…. You guessed it… Gamble. We have blown through a stupid amount of money at this point. I’m bored. I’m crabby. I’m downtown.He realizes that I'’ve hit my limit so we go to lunch and he asks what else there is to do.. I mention that I’ve heard about this container park, and we go check it out. Don’t. But I got a picture with a giant praying mantis. As we walk back he pulls me into El Cortez. For fucks sake.. El Cortez is so shitty hipsters go there because they think it’s cool.. It’'s not. We play single deck black jack. I’'ve never played single deck before.. I can’t understand a word the dealer is saying. She’s dealing cards down and we are supposed to tuck them? My husband starts bitching at me under his breath about how I’m gambling. I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE! So we are in a classic mumble fight because we are in public so I’'m going to talk through my teeth about how much I don’t like you right now. We leave that shit hole and end up at another shit hole.. He leaves me at a video poker machine to go somewhere. I’'m playing.. Hit four of a kind. I’m starting to get less bitchy.. A guy walks past… then walks backwards… Sits down next to me.. “I like your outfit” Thanks. “good luck” Thank you again. Then… Just sits there. Doesn’t play. Doesn’t leave.. Just sits. I play enough hands to be appropriately creeped out.. Do you just want this machine? Are you plotting on how you are going to put my head in a freezer? Cash out and go on the hunt for the hubs.. Who I find getting paid $190 in quarters… That’s a fuck load of quarters. He fills one cup and hands it to me.. says its heavy.. but I didn’t get a good grip on it and a few fell out on the floor.. He makes some nasty comment and I am done.. We catch a cab back to the hotel.. The cabbie says “Did you win?” Nah not really.. “Well you have her so you got the biggest prize of all.” He’'s like.. mmmhmmmmm yeah right.. live with her.

Get back to the room and change and do the bucket of beer pool thing. Couple guys are smoked… Dancing on the side of the pool.. deep belly grooves and pouring beer on themselves. Gotta get on that level.

Go back to the room and he leaves to…. You guessed it, play poker. I nap.. Go get a sprinkles cup cake.. Lose some more money. It is now 9pm, I’ve been alone 5ish hours. He asks if he can play the 9 pm poker tournament. Sure, didn’t wanna eat with you anyway. He says he’s bending over backwards to make me happy.. Here’s $100 go have fun with your friends… um… okay..

Talk with Chuck who knows some guys out in Vegas from the forums that he had previously met. Sets me up with their numbers and I talk to a guy out there with his cousin and his parents. Meet up with them outside of Light.. And they are both amazing. Super outgoing, super friendly. I don’t know his screen name on here so I’ll call him Armaan. (edited once made aware of his presence in another current TR). Armaan's pretty good looking, and he knows it.. He’s got some swagger. We grab some drinks, watch some chick lick another chicks legs. Then he asks his cousin and I if he can go look for a girl since he’s single. We say of course , see yah later. His cousin and I hit the dance floor where she is almost immediately molested. Welcome to Vegas. Hands up her dress.. I didn’t want to cock block so I watched a bit until I was 95% sure she wasn’t feeling it.. Then I pulled her. She was grateful. We move up front where there’s actually a bare spot.. There’s a little guy with down syndrome and a bow tie getting at it.. And a wall of women just standing there.. Looking pissed off… Like they spent the day downtown or something.

The cousin says she has to go to the bathroom. I go with her but wait outside.. ROOKIE MISTAKE. Bathroom is ground zero for creeps…
Creep #1 : “You look European". -- I’m from Iowa. "do you know where I am from?” -- No. "aksjdfhkjahdf" -- *look of pure puzzlement* “I am Persian" - I grip my phone into a death claw, my friend got her phone stolen by a Persian last year. “You look very sexually confident.. Like you know what you want" -- okay.. sure. “Let me guess you are…. 24?" -- Plus 10. “no.. no… you don’t look it.. Are you married?" -- Yes. “Are you married in Vegas?” -- yes. “do you want to come to my after party at Aria?” -- doubt it. After being extremely short with this guy for an extended period of time he finally leaves to harass some other girl.

Creep #2: “are you German?” – uh.. my grandparents are.. "I can tell… I want German babies. That is my goal in life. To make German babies.” -- um… I’m not from Germany. My grandparents are.. " All I care about in the DNA." -- Okay.. Well.. I’m not having your babies.. “"Why not?” -- Many reasons. I just met you.. I have children already. I’m not having anymore. "Is your husband German?? You did the world a disservice if you did not have German babies!"” -- Are you a Nazi??? "……welllll….. If I ever decide I want a nice blonde older lady I will email you.” And he leaves.. I did not give this man my email.

Light is full of short horny foreigners. It’s past 2 am.. I could stay longer the music is good but I figure I’m on thin ice and I’m not interested in throwing up again. So I bail. Get back to the hotel, chat on the phone to a friend and get circled by a guy, who probably thinks I’'m a hooker. Get back to the room and successfully fall asleep without throwing up.

[AxelFoley]

That is hilarious. You go hard, that's for sure.

[SuZQ]

That is hilarious. You go hard, that's for sure.

This is pretty tame.. But not going with a herd of big brothers definitely makes a difference.

[SuZQ]

Day Four- Wake up and eat at Ellis again.. $7 steak and eggs.. you know it’s gonna be as good as Bouchon.. Come back to the hotel and Hubs says I’m going to play the 10 am tournament.. You can wait for me or just go to the pool by yourself.. I’m not hanging out 4 or 5 hours alone in the room.. I’m going to the pool..
I get down there, and there are zero chairs available. So I stick my stuff in a corner. Buy a drink that tastes delicious.. And go into the pool.. I sit and attempt to profile.. I’m looking for a girl that looks alone to buddy up with. I’m having no luck.. These older women come and hop up on the cement pillars and lay out, they are followed by a group of younger women.. One of them asks who the blow up rafts are for and I say Anyone. This starts a conversation up.. It’s a bachelorette party from Canada.. One of them tells me to get on the blow up Flamingo and she will push me around. We have a conversation about her never eating cereal.. How she just got divorced and sold her house so she’s what I refer to as “ghetto rich” uh? You know.. like when you get your tax return back. Oh yeah…. She says she wanted to get a boob job, but is just running up her credit card in Vegas. I’m not mad at you. We see some guy wearing a Canada shirt and chat him up. He’s there with his girlfriend’s family who come down later in the day. Meet some random air force guy there learning to jump out of planes. But the real star is Gail.. Gail is 70. One of the moms from the bachelorette party. She’s dancing.. Grabbing her boobs and moving them around.. Covered in tanning oil. Gail is the party.

I text my husband that I’m out of money and to meet me with some.. I walk out of the pool with my cup.. He texts back almost immediately that he’s coming down and to wait.. So I walk back in.. Security tells me I can’t bring my cup in.. I just walked out.. Like less than 10 seconds ago.. “Sorry you can’t bring it in”.. It’s empty except for the ice that hasn’t melted.. I was just going for more money, but my husband’s coming down. “okay.. so here’s what I’m going to do.. I’m going to count these people over here.. and you’re just going to walk in.” Thank you sir.

Husband shows up.. All my new friends are excited to meet him.. And he’s like.. Meh.. And leaves after 2 beers.. Welp.. I’m having fun.. I’m not leaving. End up talking to 2 guys from Chicago. A white sox fan and a Cubs fan. I say I’m a white sox fan, which then leads to the sox fan grabbing my ass. Repeatedly. Then a bachelor party from New York shows up.. I look around and realize I am in the middle of a sausage party.. This needs fixed immediately. I go over and pull some of the bachelorette’s over. We play volley ball with the NY guys. Turns out both parties are getting married a day apart.
One of the girls is overly excited because some random girl tied bikini top and made it look like her boobs are big. She says to me walk with me so I can show these off. Alright, get it girl. So I walk over with her to the bachelor party.. She’s working the boobs.. then.. she pulls one out. And.. There are probably three longish hairs growing out from around the nipple area. "“Let’s.. Let’s put that away…”" "NO!!!" yes… I’'m thinking.. Tweezers?!? Grooming of some sort? You have to know those are there! She ends up putting one of the guys hands on them under her bikini and is saying shit like “"These are amazing right?!”" I'’m laughing and sort of horrified, mostly because of the nipple hair. One of the guys says to me..”
How good of friends are you two? “-- We aren’t. Just met her today. “
What?!?!”-- Yeah, I don’t know any of these people. I came down here alone. “
Wait.. So you didn’t come with anyone?” -- to the pool, no.
“You just made friends with everyone?” -- Yes.
“but it looks like you’ve known them for years?” -- Just a few hours. “
well I was going to say, you’re friends bragging about her boobs and I’m looking over at you.. Thinking you have her beat.” -- Yeah I do.. But she’s excited about them, so let her have her fun.

After a while I look up and see my husband standing over by the bachelorette’s daybed. I had moved my stuff over with them.. A waitress kinda popped an attitude about it and the party told her point blank “ No. We want her here” Thank you ladies.. and Eff you bitch. I mean.. good job following the rules. Got off subject. Husbands by the daybed. I get out and go over to talk to him. He said "I’'m bringing you a room key. You need to get out and drink some water and take a nap." I say No. I'’m having fun. "Suzanne.. I just saw two guys try to grind on you and one try to have a deep conversation in the few minutes I’ve been down here." I just look at him.. He says alright and turns around and leaves. I finish my drink, chat some more. I guess one guy supposedly plays hockey for the Penguins.. Hold please googling… Holy shit, that wasn’t a line of bull shit. My heads getting burnt, I figure I’m in trouble, I say good bye to the bachelorette party and I head upstairs. I’m on the elevator with some people and there’s a guy chatting up a couple (maybe.. I’m drunk) I get off the vater and one guy says to the other Have a good one.. The guys replies "Oh this isn’t my floor." "OH! I thought you were with her!" " God I wish." I'’m makeup less and trashed.. I don’t get the attraction. Get into the room and the Hubs isn’t there.. What? I could have stayed. This is bull shit. Now shit gets hazy.. I might have taken a nap.. I might have taken a shower.. I don’t remember what I did..

I somehow end up dressed and eating a buffet. Then we come back to the room and I change to go see LOVE. There’s a couple sitting next to us. And the guy is a complete douchebag. I hope this girl breaks up with him as soon as they get home. He’s playing pokemon go.. in the fucking theater. Talking about how Arboc is Cobra backwards.. He gives her his bank card to get a drink and says here’s my ID also, but at that point they will just think you stole my wallet. She leaves to get a drink and comes back with popcorn and he says I knew you bought more than water, I get an alert on my phone when any transactions go through. He is then spitting some bullshit about how men spend the first part of their lives looking for a partner. Then the next part trying to make the lives of their partner better.. blah blah blah.. Starts talking about how fucking smart he is… then about being a guy that fires people.. Finally the show starts.. AND HE SINGS ALONG TO EVERY GOD DAMN SONG. It’s the Beatles. Probably the biggest group ever. We ALL know the songs. Shut the fuck up. Anyway the show was good. But I’m exhausted from drinking in the sun all day. So once it’s over I crash. I think my husband gambled some more.. But I really don’t recall.

And that’s pretty much it.. We left the next day. I don’t think anything too entertaining happened… There’s my unimpressive trip report. Hope you got some laughs out of it. See yah in Oct. Vegas ( no trip report will be written.)

[Cirilo Medina]

Uh oh, sounds like someone's not tending the garden!!!

[KinStock77]

Haha this certainly made my flight from Cali to Boston more entertaining. Good stuff!

[SuZQ]

OH yeah! Side note.. The bachelorette party tells me that they couldn't get into Hakkasan because they weren't Asian? um... hu..... I'm confused... Yeah they wouldn't let us in.. You should always be able to get into Hakkasan.. It's full of dick..

[BuckeyeFan]

This report had me cracking up laughing..lololol

[rtwil]

I couldn't stop laughing...so why no trip report for October? Makes wonder...