Thursday the 7th:
For having REDACTED our asses off last night, we wake up at the surprisingly reasonable hour of 1pm. We eat some snack food, enjoy the amazing rich-person shower, then hang out in the hotel room doing adult things you shouldn't hear about on the internet. Or maybe that's what the internet was invented for. I can't remember, it's one of the two. Or as Dad used to say, "Go ask your mom, I don't want to talk about it right now."
I, of course, insist on McDonald's fries, because we've been fucking staring at that Golden Arch for the entire time we've been in the hotel room, and we're on fucking vacation, goddammit. I'm supposed to be eating whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want.
Before we head out to achieve my Dreams (crisp, delicious fries), I remember to flip through my grandma-style coupon book I've brought to Vegas. (If you're interested in my spinster coupon-cutting ways, it's called the American Casino Guide, you can buy it on Amazon for like 11 dollars, and it's worth it for a first timer to Vegas.) I see a coupon for the "Mac King Comedy Magic Show" at Harrah's, right next to the McDonald's, and remember I saw that show rated very highly on Tripadvisor.
In fact, the show is rated higher than most of the Cirque shows. The coupon gave us "2 tickets with the purchase of a drink (gratuity not included)", and I don't like many things in life more than booze and cheap deals, so I informed the Girlfriend we were going to see a Comedy Magic Show at 3pm.
"Seriously?" she asks, "I mean, I love you and will do what you want to do, but a comedy magic show?"
"It's rated really high on Tripadvisor! I swear! Also John Smith would be so proud of me for seeing a cheesy Vegas magician!" I reply.
Yes, that is a true statement. No, no, you idiot, my father isn't really named "John Smith." But my father really would be proud of me for seeing a Vegas magician. If that doesn't give you some insight into why I am the dickhead in the group who forces everyone to go see some sort of musical theater or acrobatic show, then you're a dumbass.
We chow down on our fries, and head to the Harrah's box office. It's got quite a line, for a show at 3pm, and we squeeze in right at 2:55. With the spinster coupon (I've heard you can get the same deal by asking at the players club desk), they charge you for the drinks in advance, then hand you two drink tickets with your show tickets. We were seated by a very nice young man, who pointed out the direction of the bar. The theater is small enough that pretty much every seat offers a reasonable view of the stage, though if you're feeling like a high roller, you can either get there early, or splurge for the $5 per seat VIP upgrade. Stunningly expensive, I know.
I scurry over to the bar to get our drinks before the show starts. I may love my father, but there's no way I'm watching a comedy magic show without a drink in hand. I hand the bartender $2 with my two drink tickets right away.
I realize now why they say "gratuity not included" on the coupon. People using coupons in Vegas are some seriously cheap motherfuckers. Not a single other person at the bar tipped with their drink ticket. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I'm a cheap-ass motherfucking scumbag, but I still know how to tip. Please, if you don't think tipping is worth it, don't do it and save yourself the few bucks. I'll do it and reap the benefits.
"What kind of whiskey do you want in those whiskey sodas?" the bartender asks.
"Do I even have a choice with the drink tickets?" I say.
"Suuuuure!" he says, "YOU can have Well Whiskey, Jack, Jameson or Crown!"
"Uhh, Crown please!" I reply.
"Do you want me to make it a double?" he says as he starts pouring.
"Uhh, I mean..." I start to stammer as the bartender says, "Hey, the more I give away, the less I have to put away!" while he pours me two double Crown and Sodas at 3pm for a comedy magic show at Harrah's.
I, of course, don't point out that the booze came out of a fountain gun, so he really doesn't have to put away anything if he pours me more booze, he just has to put away the spigot back onto it's little spigot holder, or whatever you call a spigot-holding thing. In retrospect, he was probably bullshitting me on the whiskey choice, because who the fuck puts Crown on a fountain gun?! Butttt who gives a fuck. Maybe they do in Vegas? A strong drink is a strong drink, and I did watch the booze-pouring part of it.
The show is fucking fantastic. I'm not just saying that because I got a bit more cheap-ass booze from the friendly bartender, it really is. Mac King is incredibly funny and a very skilled magician. His jokes are hilarious and dirty in an "over-the-heads-of-the-children-in-the-audience" way that leaves Girlfriend laughing so hard she's wheezing. (Though admittedly she was laughing the hardest at the part where Mac is pretending to be invisible while wearing a bright yellow poncho. She might be 8 years old. It's fine, I swear.)
I highly, highly recommend the show if you're in Vegas and have a break in the afternoon. He works hard and does fantastic work. He calls people up out of the audience, and rolls with the punches when they write their names on the back of a card instead of the front (yes, a lady actually wrote her name on the back of a fucking card, when he asked her to write down her name on a card).
So here we are, it's 4:30 pm, and we've got nothing to do until Absinthe at 7:30. Of course we decide to hit up LVH for the shitty decaying Vegas flavor and solid Video Poker offerings. I'd heard about the downfall of the LVH through various forums and had to check it out for myself. We show up, sign up for the players club, and enjoy the "stuck in the mid 90's high-roller" ambiance. For a city that revamps itself every 10 years, the LVH is delightfully out of date. The former Star Trek experience looks like it's been converted into some sort of abandoned weird bar area, and check-in line snaking for over 100ft through the casino floor shows a severe lack of management.
That severe lack of management doesn't stop girlfriend and I from scamming on the free slot-play bonuses that the LVH offers. We each get $20 in free play with zero coupons, simply for signing up, and find some solid poker machines.
We walk out of the casino $40 richer (we actually did play for quite a while inside, but cashed out when we were up), and decide to celebrate with a meal at our favorite local restaurant, Taco Bell. This time, we opt to eat inside the exquisite dining area, and get to observe some of Las Vegas' finest locals, including a woman who locks herself in the bathroom for the entire duration of our visit until an employee is banging on the door threatening to call the cops.
We head for Caesar's before the cops arrive, as the day has been weird enough already.
Absinthe is another fantastic show. It's more expensive than Mac King's Comedy Magic Show, but delivers quite intensely. The MC, aka "the Gazillionaire" is as offensive as possible to the folks sitting in the front of the row, just as the reviews had promised, and the acrobats are unbelievable. The Gazillionaire rags on the "two gay mexicans" for sitting next to the "obviously in-the-closet republican white guy" because he "probably is wondering why you aren't mowing his lawn." It's cheaper than a Cirque show, there isn't a bad seat in the house, and I don't really see how acrobatics can get more impressive, so you'd be hard-pressed to find a better show in Vegas. I've seen Cirque on tour, and it's quite impressive, but if you're in the mood for just one show in Vegas, see Absinthe. Did I mention they encourage you to get drunk during the show?
If you want a taste of Absinthe/the Gazillionaire, here he is getting kicked out of a convention center: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5XIbhQYHqw
We decide to head downtown after the performance, because we haven't done the whole "Fremont Street Experience" yet and haven't even fucked around in the downtown casinos. I bring my trusty packet of coupons with us. Duh.
WOW, this part of Vegas is skeezy. Like, you've heard me talk shit throughout this trip report. I thought I really liked skeezy things. I guess I like being the skeeziest person in a classy joint - NOT the most classy skeezeball in a crowd full of drunk white trash, who are rocking out to the worst Poison cover band I've ever heard. While I was standing there worrying about when that dude muttering to himself in the corner might decide to stab me looking for my gambling winnings, Girlfriend leads the way into the throng.
I was a mouse click away from booking our stay in one of the fancier rooms at the Golden Nugget, so we decide to wander in and at least check out the Shark Tank Pool. It, admittedly, is the classiest part of downtown. We're both INCREDIBLY glad I booked the Venetian, and that we got placed in the classy, quiet Venezia tower. A week of this 80's nostalgia Fremont Experience bullshit and we both would have been driven insane.
We find ourselves at the Four Queens across the street to play some Video Poker. They have some deal at the players club where if you play through 20 points worth of credit, (around $40?), they will give you $10 free-play. Of course we sign up, and set to work getting our free money. Girlfriend plays through her $40 first because she's a pattern-recognizing freak and has quickly surpassed my video poker skills, and ends up with around $48. She cashes out quickly and goes to grab her promo credit after we've flagged down a cocktail waitress. I get up to go do the same.
"Remember to tip the cocktail waitress really well so we get quicker booze!"
As I'm walking back, I hear a strange blooping sound coming from the direction of our machines.
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For having REDACTED our asses off last night, we wake up at the surprisingly reasonable hour of 1pm. We eat some snack food, enjoy the amazing rich-person shower, then hang out in the hotel room doing adult things you shouldn't hear about on the internet. Or maybe that's what the internet was invented for. I can't remember, it's one of the two. Or as Dad used to say, "Go ask your mom, I don't want to talk about it right now."
I, of course, insist on McDonald's fries, because we've been fucking staring at that Golden Arch for the entire time we've been in the hotel room, and we're on fucking vacation, goddammit. I'm supposed to be eating whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want.
Before we head out to achieve my Dreams (crisp, delicious fries), I remember to flip through my grandma-style coupon book I've brought to Vegas. (If you're interested in my spinster coupon-cutting ways, it's called the American Casino Guide, you can buy it on Amazon for like 11 dollars, and it's worth it for a first timer to Vegas.) I see a coupon for the "Mac King Comedy Magic Show" at Harrah's, right next to the McDonald's, and remember I saw that show rated very highly on Tripadvisor.
In fact, the show is rated higher than most of the Cirque shows. The coupon gave us "2 tickets with the purchase of a drink (gratuity not included)", and I don't like many things in life more than booze and cheap deals, so I informed the Girlfriend we were going to see a Comedy Magic Show at 3pm.
"Seriously?" she asks, "I mean, I love you and will do what you want to do, but a comedy magic show?"
"It's rated really high on Tripadvisor! I swear! Also John Smith would be so proud of me for seeing a cheesy Vegas magician!" I reply.
Yes, that is a true statement. No, no, you idiot, my father isn't really named "John Smith." But my father really would be proud of me for seeing a Vegas magician. If that doesn't give you some insight into why I am the dickhead in the group who forces everyone to go see some sort of musical theater or acrobatic show, then you're a dumbass.
We chow down on our fries, and head to the Harrah's box office. It's got quite a line, for a show at 3pm, and we squeeze in right at 2:55. With the spinster coupon (I've heard you can get the same deal by asking at the players club desk), they charge you for the drinks in advance, then hand you two drink tickets with your show tickets. We were seated by a very nice young man, who pointed out the direction of the bar. The theater is small enough that pretty much every seat offers a reasonable view of the stage, though if you're feeling like a high roller, you can either get there early, or splurge for the $5 per seat VIP upgrade. Stunningly expensive, I know.
I scurry over to the bar to get our drinks before the show starts. I may love my father, but there's no way I'm watching a comedy magic show without a drink in hand. I hand the bartender $2 with my two drink tickets right away.
I realize now why they say "gratuity not included" on the coupon. People using coupons in Vegas are some seriously cheap motherfuckers. Not a single other person at the bar tipped with their drink ticket. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I'm a cheap-ass motherfucking scumbag, but I still know how to tip. Please, if you don't think tipping is worth it, don't do it and save yourself the few bucks. I'll do it and reap the benefits.
"What kind of whiskey do you want in those whiskey sodas?" the bartender asks.
"Do I even have a choice with the drink tickets?" I say.
"Suuuuure!" he says, "YOU can have Well Whiskey, Jack, Jameson or Crown!"
"Uhh, Crown please!" I reply.
"Do you want me to make it a double?" he says as he starts pouring.
"Uhh, I mean..." I start to stammer as the bartender says, "Hey, the more I give away, the less I have to put away!" while he pours me two double Crown and Sodas at 3pm for a comedy magic show at Harrah's.
I, of course, don't point out that the booze came out of a fountain gun, so he really doesn't have to put away anything if he pours me more booze, he just has to put away the spigot back onto it's little spigot holder, or whatever you call a spigot-holding thing. In retrospect, he was probably bullshitting me on the whiskey choice, because who the fuck puts Crown on a fountain gun?! Butttt who gives a fuck. Maybe they do in Vegas? A strong drink is a strong drink, and I did watch the booze-pouring part of it.
The show is fucking fantastic. I'm not just saying that because I got a bit more cheap-ass booze from the friendly bartender, it really is. Mac King is incredibly funny and a very skilled magician. His jokes are hilarious and dirty in an "over-the-heads-of-the-children-in-the-audience" way that leaves Girlfriend laughing so hard she's wheezing. (Though admittedly she was laughing the hardest at the part where Mac is pretending to be invisible while wearing a bright yellow poncho. She might be 8 years old. It's fine, I swear.)
I highly, highly recommend the show if you're in Vegas and have a break in the afternoon. He works hard and does fantastic work. He calls people up out of the audience, and rolls with the punches when they write their names on the back of a card instead of the front (yes, a lady actually wrote her name on the back of a fucking card, when he asked her to write down her name on a card).
So here we are, it's 4:30 pm, and we've got nothing to do until Absinthe at 7:30. Of course we decide to hit up LVH for the shitty decaying Vegas flavor and solid Video Poker offerings. I'd heard about the downfall of the LVH through various forums and had to check it out for myself. We show up, sign up for the players club, and enjoy the "stuck in the mid 90's high-roller" ambiance. For a city that revamps itself every 10 years, the LVH is delightfully out of date. The former Star Trek experience looks like it's been converted into some sort of abandoned weird bar area, and check-in line snaking for over 100ft through the casino floor shows a severe lack of management.
That severe lack of management doesn't stop girlfriend and I from scamming on the free slot-play bonuses that the LVH offers. We each get $20 in free play with zero coupons, simply for signing up, and find some solid poker machines.
We walk out of the casino $40 richer (we actually did play for quite a while inside, but cashed out when we were up), and decide to celebrate with a meal at our favorite local restaurant, Taco Bell. This time, we opt to eat inside the exquisite dining area, and get to observe some of Las Vegas' finest locals, including a woman who locks herself in the bathroom for the entire duration of our visit until an employee is banging on the door threatening to call the cops.
We head for Caesar's before the cops arrive, as the day has been weird enough already.
Absinthe is another fantastic show. It's more expensive than Mac King's Comedy Magic Show, but delivers quite intensely. The MC, aka "the Gazillionaire" is as offensive as possible to the folks sitting in the front of the row, just as the reviews had promised, and the acrobats are unbelievable. The Gazillionaire rags on the "two gay mexicans" for sitting next to the "obviously in-the-closet republican white guy" because he "probably is wondering why you aren't mowing his lawn." It's cheaper than a Cirque show, there isn't a bad seat in the house, and I don't really see how acrobatics can get more impressive, so you'd be hard-pressed to find a better show in Vegas. I've seen Cirque on tour, and it's quite impressive, but if you're in the mood for just one show in Vegas, see Absinthe. Did I mention they encourage you to get drunk during the show?
If you want a taste of Absinthe/the Gazillionaire, here he is getting kicked out of a convention center: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5XIbhQYHqw
We decide to head downtown after the performance, because we haven't done the whole "Fremont Street Experience" yet and haven't even fucked around in the downtown casinos. I bring my trusty packet of coupons with us. Duh.
WOW, this part of Vegas is skeezy. Like, you've heard me talk shit throughout this trip report. I thought I really liked skeezy things. I guess I like being the skeeziest person in a classy joint - NOT the most classy skeezeball in a crowd full of drunk white trash, who are rocking out to the worst Poison cover band I've ever heard. While I was standing there worrying about when that dude muttering to himself in the corner might decide to stab me looking for my gambling winnings, Girlfriend leads the way into the throng.
I was a mouse click away from booking our stay in one of the fancier rooms at the Golden Nugget, so we decide to wander in and at least check out the Shark Tank Pool. It, admittedly, is the classiest part of downtown. We're both INCREDIBLY glad I booked the Venetian, and that we got placed in the classy, quiet Venezia tower. A week of this 80's nostalgia Fremont Experience bullshit and we both would have been driven insane.
We find ourselves at the Four Queens across the street to play some Video Poker. They have some deal at the players club where if you play through 20 points worth of credit, (around $40?), they will give you $10 free-play. Of course we sign up, and set to work getting our free money. Girlfriend plays through her $40 first because she's a pattern-recognizing freak and has quickly surpassed my video poker skills, and ends up with around $48. She cashes out quickly and goes to grab her promo credit after we've flagged down a cocktail waitress. I get up to go do the same.
"Remember to tip the cocktail waitress really well so we get quicker booze!"
As I'm walking back, I hear a strange blooping sound coming from the direction of our machines.
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